My grandmother

One little thing that I had loved for doing for so long and I stopped – I don’t know why – I guess I just wasn’t feeling up to it and walked away. Plus the fact that the IT department at my new job loves nothing better than to look at everything that is done via an IP address has made me a little nervous to post anything in my blog. Now does that mean that I shouldn’t have tried to at least make some sort of effort over the past 14 months to keep it going – that is just wrong – but overall – I’m glad to be back. I have to say my life is probably more interesting now.

It’s hard to believe that it has been almost a month since my grandmother passed away. She left this world for a better place on February 16. She was my mother’s mother and was probably the one grandparent that I was closest to growing up. She is the one that I used to call at least once a week to check on her and my grandfather and tried like hell to let them know that I still cared. I was lucky because was able to have one final call with her before she passed and it was a good one and that will be one memory that I will hold with me forever. I’m not sure the other grandchildren can say that. She left this world with 4 children, 10 grandchildren and 24 great grandchildren at the age of 81.

Now before you go and say she lived a long life and probably had tales to tell – which I know is true – she was still my grandmother – someone I loved and admired beyond words and simple gestures. She never judged me and she always loved me even when I screwed up – which is what grandmothers are supposed to do – however it never matters how old they are or how frail they become – you want them to last forever. You come to believe that even though they are getting older and there are more and more ailments – they will over come these and somehow pull through.

My grandmother went to the hospital about 6 weeks ago complaining of chest pains and other issues. They couldn’t tell us what was wrong with her – they ran tests and the best they could come up with was congestive heart failure. I think that is generally vague term that doctors use when they don’t know what the hell else is wrong. We found out later that her heart was beating harder than it needed to and was basically overworked – but through all of that we still couldn’t get a definite answer as to what was wrong.

I have to say that for the most part I’ve found peace with all that has happened. I was able to say a somewhat goodbye on the phone and I know she loved me and I pray that she knew that I loved her. I still have my moments when I want to pick up the phone and call her – but I can’t – she will no longer answer and tell me that she is just at the house alone and that grandfather went to the store with my aunt to give her some peace. I pray that she is with angels now – making them laugh and filling heaven with her laughter – that could make anyone smile regardless of your mood. She laughed with her whole body and was not afraid to simply show love. I pray to become the woman she was and in some way honor her for all that she showed me growing up. I pray that my children will see how they are a reflection of her and that they will aim to be a better person just to be able to say that their great-grandmother showed them how to handle themselves.

We are not perfect people. If I was perfect I would have visited more and stood up to those who say hurtful things less – but I didn’t and I have to live with that – however at the end of the day I can say that I was loved – unconditionally – by the one person who should show you that kind of love – my grandmother.

Bunch of Beer

Beer Feast (Fest) Feast – Whatever – bunch of damn beer – and not all of it was good. Some of it was great! This weekend I was invited to go to a beer festival with a few friends. I am not a beer connoisseur by any stretch of the imagination. I like beer in most forms – mostly pales and a few heavier loggers – but for the most part I stay in the German realm when it comes to beer – I mean that country basically invented the one beverage that makes you go from a 2 to a 10 to a 2 all in one night – so why not be loyal to one country. So we get to the festival and have to wait in line for half an hour – which in and of itself was not a bad thing, but it is Phoenix, AZ in March – during a hotter than normal spring – and low and behold it is sunny – so it gets hot. Needless to say by the time the gates open and the beer starts flowing – I am ready for a damn drink. We head to the New Belgium truck because if you are going to get started it may as well be with something you are familiar with and take our 4 ounces glasses (I’m not kidding on the size) to get a “sample” of Fat Tire. I have to say that I am not a huge fan of Fat Tire – but given the fact that I was parched, it was hot and the line was short – I was happy to down a 4 oz pour of the liquor. At the gate – the same place where we got the whopping 4 oz beer “taster” mug – we also got tickets. I guess each ticket was good at the booth for one 4 oz. pour of the beer you would like to sample – needless to say there were many who would just stand right at the counter of their choice and down how ever many pours the sucker behind the counter was willing to dish out. I was partial to a Colorado vendor that came down and had a spicy green apple ale – which I’m usually not a fan of the fruit beers – but when the guy behind the counter says “Stand here and I’ll hook you up” – and then proceeds to get you smashingly drunk and flirts at the same time – how can you resist the spicy apple ale – YOU CAN NOT!

All in all it was fun – not something I would do again on a hot day – because heat plus beer plus overweight men equals – UGH!

I do have to say Hale to Mark – the Colorado brew guy – with a great smile and a heavy hand on the tap!

Better than Ever

It’s been a long time since I wrote on this blog. Over a year in fact since I have posted anything of substance. I’m sure most of my readers have long since stopped visiting because of the lack of posts and interesting information to read. I don’t blame you – I really don’t. I haven’t made this blog a priority and therefore I’ve lost many that I considered loyal followers and also friends. So here I am pleading with you all to come back. I’m hoping to get a chance to start visiting blogs again soon and leaving comments because that is how you generate traffic – you comment on someone’s blog, they go to yours, hopefully comment back – others see this and all of a sudden you’ve got mail!

A lot has happened to me since my last post on this blog. First and foremost – my second marriage ended. In fact, I was divorced in Dec-08. It has been a blessing and a curse. It has been a blessing because I no longer have to see that man on a daily basis. Luckily we did not have children together and my children from my first marriage have a stable relationship with their father. Secondly, it has been a blessing because there is no stress in my love life right now – we were able to move on and past the hurt and when all was said and done – things ended fairly. It has been a curse because as soon as people find out you are once again single – they want to set you up with every Tom, Dick and Harry they know. Such was the case a few months ago (ex2 and I split in June of last year) when my friend wanted to set me up with her friend that had been divorced for over a year.

I was game because I was ready to have some fun – not have a commitment and to just see what was out there. I’d been out of the dating world for over 8 years and a girl has to try out her options – ya know. So I decide what the hell – why not go on the date – he was an older man (I am 33 and he had just turned 50). I was ok with the age difference – I had never dated someone that was that much older than me – but I figured what the hell. So we met for a drink and had a few laughs. We ended up going to the casino – spending a few hundred dollars at the black jack tables – and later ended up at his house for drinks. I can’t say that I was infatuated, but my interest was piqued because we had a really good conversation and laughs. So we see each other a few more times and then all of a sudden I’m getting the cold shoulder. I thought things were going well – but I guess I was wrong and I then learn that he is getting back together with his ex-wife….ugh the joys of dating. There are a lot of other facets to this story – crazy ex-wife hacking into email – the threats to my friend over the fact that I was seeing her ex-husband – an email directly to me about how sorry she was that she “messed up” my chance with her ex-husband. Needless to say – I’m glad that it ended.

About eight weeks after that happened – I was asked out directly by someone I met while on a GNO (Girls Night Out) with my friends. He was a spunky little waiter and kept the drink glasses filled and the check-out ticket low. So I decided what the heck – might as well give it a try. Now I have to preface this by saying that I was not (and am not) looking for a relationship by any stretch of the imagination. I just wanted to meet some new people. So we go out – we end up clubbing – which is something I hadn’t done in years. This guy took me to several different ones and spun my ass all over the dance floor. We had a great time and decided to meet up for sushi the next week. I got all dolled up and wanted to show this younger guy that I am not old (no comments from the peanut gallery) and can still turn some heads.

The night was going well – the sushi was great – the conversation was awesome – and the drinks were nice. I noticed after about an hour he kept getting text messages on his phone. I was wondering if there was some “waiter” emergency – and asked if everything was OK. He said things were fine – and we kept talking. However, the phone kept going off – more insistently than before – and I finally said “just call whoever is trying to get a hold of you” and excused myself to the ladies room to give him sometime to straighten things out. When I get back the check is on the table and he standing by the table waiting for me – saying he is really sorry – he has to go – and he suggests that I don’t stick around either. We walk to the parking lot and I finally stop and say “Enough – just be straight – what is going on!” Can you guess – CRAZY GIRLFRIEND – not ex-girlfriend – girlfriend as in currently seeing – as in she is having his baby – as in he asked me to go to a place that her friends frequent – as in we were spotted and crazy girlfriend is on her way to the place right now. So needless to say – when MR. WAITER called the next week – I told him to bug off – haven’t heard from him since –

So that is the update on the dating life – I’ll be back later with other entries as to what is going on with the rest of my life – such as having a teenager – having parents that can’t stand each other staying with you for a week during Christmas – my grandmother’s recent passing (it is sad – but there are a couple of funny memories that were made) – to work – to many other things….so please stay tuned.

We interrupted this silence to bring you…..

What has happened with the world? Britney is crazy, Heath is dead, the writers are on strike and I’m back to having panic attacks. I mean really people, let’s talk about the whole world of Hollywood and how life is so hard for these people.

First and foremost, Heath Ledger’s death was tragic. I think he was a very talented actor and I hope/pray that they are able to determine that his death was a simple mix of pills or something wrong internally. I would hate to have to think about him committing suicide with a young daughter. I loved him and Michelle Williams together. I know that they ended their relationship a while ago, but I really thought they made a good couple and even when they were no longer together it seemed like they were trying to be civil for the sake of their daughter.

Britney – OMG can she get any crazier. I was thinking about it today and I know that she is not in her right mind. What normal person would forgo a mental wellness evaluation to prove you are sane enough to see your kids? NO ONE!?!?!?! Maybe they just need to start slipping her some meds in her cranberry/vodka drinks? I know if I was in the fight with my ex over how/when/where I could see my kids and a mental wellness evaluation had to be done I would be there. Some people just don’t get it.

The writer’s strike…..I hate, hate, hate this. I really don’t know what/why they are striking nor do I really CARE. However, I do know that I hate not having anything to watch on TV. I do have gazillions of movies and I have gotten a lot of use out of them recently, but I am missing The Office, Desperate Housewives and Grays Anatomy. I think that the writers need to suck it up and talk to whoever needs to be talked to and stop crying over the money. They all make gazillions of dollars anyway…..maybe that is not really the point…..I guess MY point is…I need my TV shows back…..and I’m starting to get really PISSED OFF….

In other news, my Zoloft refill has been denied by my doctor. She believes I need to come off of it….and how does she plan to do that….COLD TURKEY….I think I need to find a new doctor because I just can’t live without my mind altering drugs…LOL. I really just need them for my panic attacks….see paragraph one!

Life other than that is pretty good…..well unless you consider the TV and panic attacks….

Damn I need a drink!

New Blog

I think I have my first subject ready for the He Said/She Said blog. I would like to invite men and women to weigh in on this topic – New Years Resolutions – How are they different for men vs. women.

I know for me every New Year I promise myself I’m going to stop eating badly and start an exercise program. Then I get about a week or two into the routine and say screw it. Then I proceed to go back to the very bad habits I had before and end up at the end of the year making the same resolution. At the end of the day, I really don’t think I’ll ever be a exercise horse….but I could live healthier.

Anyway, if you would like to post a snippet about this subject drop me a line.

I’m Back

Geez where have I been. I swear I’ve been around, but the last couple of months have been a real doozy in my life. At age 32, I finally have decided “screw the world, I’m going to make myself happy and if you don’t like it, then to hell with you”

As most of my readers know I was having some marital problems about the middle of last year. Adultery lies, and all the fun stuff that goes along with that. In addition, I hated my job, my ex was driving me up the wall and life in general was just getting me down. I was depressed, angry, lonely, hurt, and just plain miserable. About the middle of October, I went to see a therapist about my outlook on life. It had gotten to the point that I was really contemplating suicide or just giving the kids to their dad and running away. Both options, I know now were not smart and were all emotionally based in a non-reality.

After several sessions with the therapist, I was put on anti-depressants. Let me tell you, I love my Wilburton. It makes the whole world look rosy….lol. It took me a few weeks to really feel the affects of the meds, but now I feel more on an even keel. I just was not in a good way….so much so that I wanted to cancel the holidays. Kind of hard to do that when you have a 7 and 12 year old that is expecting “Santa” to visit. So, I pulled myself up and got back into life.

I was told I needed a non-threatening form of therapy…..basically a hobby. Something that I could do that did not involve self mutilation of any kind….damn that takes all the fun stuff away….drinking, smoking, recreational drugs…LOL I was told to sign up for a knitting class. Damn….it was doctors orders to get out of the house one night a week to be with different people and learn a new skill that had nothing to do with kids, work, marriage or outside problems. This was hard for me because while I am a very social person, I was going through so much that I had refused to make new friends, try new things or just live.

I would basically come home from work, make sure the kids were fed, homework was done and then immediately go to bed. There was nothing in my life that was just mine. By force, I was made to go find something that I wanted to do for nobody else but myself. So there I was in the beginning of November surrounded by a bunch of old ladies in knitted sweaters, knitted socks, knitted vest with knitted bags holding their WIP (works in progress) just clicking way with their needles.

I am not crafty by nature. My mom and my sister-in-law can look at a room or look at a pattern and immediately get an idea for some new craft project. I am right-brain dominate. I like structure, order, all the numbers line up. My furniture in my house has never been moved. The dishes in my kitchen are still in the same place they were 7 years ago when I moved in. My bedroom is still the same…everything in my home has a place. Once a room is decorated it very rarely gets an update. Not because I don’t want it to, but because my nature is that once something is placed there that is where it belongs.

I struggled those first few weeks just making conversation. I was by far the youngest in the class. I was also by far the least skilled and had trouble making the stitches. I became frustrated and just overwhelmed. This seemed like another thing in my life that I was just going to fail at and have to go back to my therapist and say…..look see what I screwed up again. Three weeks into the class I had 6 inches of knitting. The other ladies were working away on beautiful projects. I hadn’t even picked a pattern yet. After my third class I went to the instructor and told her that I didn’t think that I could do this. Crafting was not in my blood and I just didn’t think my fingers would ever “do the walking” so to speak.

This lady who was about 70 years old took my hands in her soft wrinkled hands and said “In these hands lies a beautiful piece of work just waiting to be done. Don’t think so hard about it being perfect; don’t worry about your progress in regards to the others in the class. Many of these ladies take this class not to learn the skills but for the social hour it allows them once a week. Many have been doing this for YEARS, you just started. Be patient.” Then she gave me a pattern book and an assignment (great another thing to do) Pick a pattern that you like. Something you could see yourself wrapped up in on a cold winter night or wearing out to a nice dinner. She assured me all the patterns in the book were at my skill level and I would have little problems completing them.

With tears in my eyes and a heaviness that I didn’t understand I took the book and went home. The next day I started looking at it and one pattern just stood out to me. A long wrap with a scarf attached. It looked light but warm and it was beautiful. I took it in the next week and was sent into the yarn shop to find my yarn and needles. An hour later I was sitting next to the instructor learning how to read the pattern. My hands were shaking and I was sick. I just spent $80 on yarn and needles for a project my mind was saying I would never finish. The lady took my hands, put the needles in them and said close your eyes. Imagine yourself wrapped up in this garment, feel the fabric on your skin, now knit.

For the first time in four weeks my mind went blank and I just knit. Stitch after stitch after stitch. For the first time in several months my mind was calm, quiet and relaxed. I wasn’t worrying about what I needed to do when I got home, how long I would have to work the next day or even if the kids were ok. I just knit and it was wonderful.

I’m still not finished with the garment, but that is not the point. The point is that I’ve been given a gift from a bunch of oldies (as they call themselves) of being able to allow my mind to rest. I was (and still am) caught up in the rat race. I have a new job and I love it, but it is very demanding. However, every night I work on my garment for 20-30 minutes knowing that it may take me a year to complete or more, but I have finally found a way to allow my mind to be free….if only for a few moments a day.

That is a gift. I’m still in therapy. My husband and I are still together, the kids are still busy with all of their stuff. My therapist was so right in sending me to that class. She said that anytime we do a repetitive task, our left brain closes off and our right brain takes over. It allows us to see things in a different way, find solutions to problems that we have been struggling with or just to relax and unwind. I’ve found that now if I don’t do some of my knitting each night I get restless. I’m so thankful for the women at the yarn shop and my therapist for giving me a way to just leave this world. If only for a little while each night and the ability to see the beauty that comes in a ball of yarn.

Calling all Writers

Everyone is invited to participate…and I will be out there recruiting a few of you as well. However, I thought it would be fun to do a He Said, She Said blog. Different topics every week….Everyone who wants an opinion can have one and it will be posted unedited and in living color…LOL.

I would love some feedback on this and would love to have anyone who wants the new blogging address to let me know so I can get things rolling…..

Hope all is well with everyone out there!

Where have I been!?!?!?

I wish I had some great excuse for where I have been or what I have been up to lately. To be honest, life is just kicking my ass. Between the kids going back to school, trying to figure out if I want/need to change jobs, and overall just life in general I am worn out. I used to be able to post from work, but even that has gotten to the point that I can’t do that anymore because they have cut off access to the internet for only business related items. Which I can understand, but WTF….I mean I spend half my day bored and the only thing that kept me in the chair was knowing that I had the internet to browse or the ability to post a blog entry or two. Anyway, by the time I get home in the evening I just don’t want to get on the computer. Besides that between both of my kids, there is just not time for me to get online.

As an FYI, I have started seeing a therapist again. My ex has officially filed for custody of the kids stating that I don’t give him enough time with them. My lawyer and I have determined that this pretty much has more to do with the fact that he is in debt up to his eyeballs and needs me to pay him child support than him really wanting the kids. As for now, things are staying the same as they have been, but I’m sure a huge court fight and such is in order. Pray for my sanity because I don’t know how I would handle it if I didn’t have a place to go and vent my feelings.

Another thing that has happened is that I barely learned that my oldest daughter is failing in her math class. She is in sixth grade this year and we have been struggling to get her to a passing grade. In talks with the teacher and principle it has been learned that she is now at a 73% which is a C average, but I know she can do better than that. I am hoping to get on the ball with her regarding math and a few other things.

My job sucks. I am currently working to get the heck out of here. I just can’t take things anymore. My boss seems to think I am the backup to the receptionist. Yes, I went ot school for four years and graduate school for two to be able to go get lunch and do banking runs….I DON”T THINK SO! I have had a couple of good interviews with a couple of good companies, but I can’t get out of here fast enough. I did have a job offer a week or so ago, but turned it down because they wanted fifty percent travel commitment…I have two kids I can’t do that.

Let’s see what else….oh my therapist said that I needed to start blogging again. She says that it is the equivalent to an online diary. She wants me to blog about my life and then print off the entries so that we can “examine” them together. Again this is a WTF moment, but I’ll do it. If it keeps me sane I’ll do it. I guess that inside of these entries is supposed to be some meaningful life lesson that I am just not getting.

Anyway, I have been visiting all the blogs on a daily basis. I just haven’t had a chance to comment or not made the chance I guess. I just need to sit down and take the time to get over myself and comment on some of the entries that have been posted. Just know that if you are in my side bar or have emailed me recently I am here and well….just haven’t commented is all.

As far as the fall line up on TV is concerned is anyone else as disappointed as I am with the line-up. In addition, why the hell should I watch it on the next work TV when I can watch Brothers & Sisters, Desperate Housewives and Greys Anatomy all online with only like 5 commercials???? I can not think of a good reason. Top Chef is over this Wednesday and I have grown to love this seasons chefs. I will be so sad to see them go. Project Runway doesn’t start until November….I know Queer Eye is back, but I don’t know if it will be as good as before….and this is their last season.

Oh well, guess life doesn’t have to revolve around TV….but it sure passes the time…LOL.

Have a great rest of the week….I’ll be back more often…Promise!

I have been a bad Blogger

I have been a bad Blogger

I really wish that I would have come here earlier last week. Things in my life has been horrendously busy this last week. Between life being crazy and getting ready for a big fat custody battle with the ex….my days and nights are spent off the computer as much as I can possible manage.

Anyway, Hope all is well out there. I will be back to regular blogging soon….I promise!

Loves to all…..and thanks for the emails!

Lighting

There are a few things that can mesmerize me in a home improvement store. I love the garden center, the appliance area and the lighting. Walking through the lighting area I always am amazed at the new things that are available and how many different styles there are in one store.

I recently found a quoizel lighting fixture that I would love to put in my grand foyer….but I do’t have a grand foyer. If I did I would hang this there!

This has been a sponsored post!

Wordless Wednesday