What tomorrow brings

Well here I am in week two of trying to save my marriage. I’m not sure how it’s going to be honest. I’ve been more irritable lately and more on edge. I can’t seem to sleep and when I do it is fitful. I am throwing myself into work, but by the time I get home I am good for nothing. All I want to do is sleep. I think depression is setting in.

A good friend of mine called me the other day to see if I would go to dinner with her this week. I really want to, but it is on a night that the kids are with their Dad and I just don’t feel right leaving my husband at home alone. I know that sounds like I am treating him like a little kid, but right now it’s all I can do to let him go to work without wanting to question his every move.

I have called a couple of counselors and they are both booked until August. I have upped my dosage of anxiety/depression meds (per my Dr. recommendation) until I can get into see someone. Man, depression sucks!

I am trying to find a place online that will allow me to write for money. I know this sounds far fetched, but I would really like to someday get paid for writing. I know this will never happen, but I love to put words on paper (mostly handwritten) and I would love to be able to share what I have written with others beyond this blog.

I have gotten some really nice comments from newbies and oldbies (is that a word) and I really appreciate all of them. To all of you who emailed me privately…THANKS SO MUCH. To all of those who left encouraging comments and advice…THANKS SO MUCH….

While things aren’t great yet….each day gets better!

Why Do I Keep Marrying My Mother?

Needless to say some of you are going to look at that title and say what? Why would she think she is marrying her Mother? However, if you give me a few moments I promise you I will be able to bring it all back around to this title. Here we go.....

As a child, my Mother scared the be-jesus out of me. She was definitely the one in the family that wore the pants. She ruled the roost and made sure my brother and I knew it. From my observation, she had my Dad pretty hen-pecked as well because he was always at her beck and call. Don't get me wrong, my Dad is a man and he does he job as far as being head of the family, but my Mother can pretty much get whatever she wants from him.

As a child I grew up wanting only to please her and make her happy. I would do almost anything to keep from getting in trouble...including doing the wrong things like lying, cheating etc. It was approval I looked for from her and when I didn't get it I was crushed. I got pregnant in college out of wedlock by a man that my parents hated. I had the baby and ended up marrying this man to spite my parents. I wanted to prove to them that we would work and that I knew better.

Unfortunately, I didn't know better. About 5 years and 500 miles from my family later he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. I begged, I cried, I did everything I could think of to get him to stay with me. I wanted his approval and I wanted to be loved by him. He still didn't want me despite my best efforts to get him to stay.

A year later I met my now husband and I thought things would be different. Our "honeymoon" period lasted longer and without kids together we were able to really spend some good one on one time together when my kids were gone. We would go to dinner, plays, movies, shopping so many different things that just helped us bond. I really thought we had a lot in common....however, as the the years have passed I am noticing a drift and now he has done the same thing as my last husband. I still want his love and approval, but I'm not sure he can give it to me.

This goes back to my title why do I keep marrying my Mother? Well, I'll tell you.....I want approval from those who are supposed to be closest to me and love me unconditionally. I need to see in their eyes that they think I am worthwhile and lovable. When I don't get that I plant another seed of doubt in myself that eventually grows to be a really big weed. I am trying to get past approvals of others, but it is so hard.

One great thing that has come of my past is that I do not allow my daughters to thrive on my approval....meaning I make sure to let them know I love them regardless of the bad stuff they do. Yes, they do get punished and yes they hate me for it. But when it is all said and done, I always follow-up with a pep talk and hugs and kisses. I never got that. I am hoping this is a way to reverse the cycle. I don't want my girls looking for their value in men or the approval of others.

Advice for today...........Don't Marry Your Mother!

Forgiveness ≠ Trust

I signed onto the computer at home hoping to be able to get on and off in a few minutes. My cousin had sent me a text message asking if we could talk via IM about the upcoming family reunion. As I signed on I noticed that the IM program was already running, looking closer I saw that my user id was not the id that was signed on. I clicked to open it and see which of the kids had been online chatting with their friends. Imagine my surprise to see that my husband had an account and had a girl as his only friend on his list.

I did some investigating. I looked at old saved conversations and my world came crashing down. As I read what he and this girl wrote back and forth I physically wanted to puke. I wanted to stop reading, but my brain just kept scrolling through the lines…

“You want some cookies” she asked

His reply “Cookies sound good. What kind of cookies?”

“You know the kind that melt in your mouth.”

“Those are my favorite kind. Would you serve them to me in bed?”

“Of course, after I had screwed (insert more vile word here) your brains out and you were famished.”

“I can’t wait to see you again ;(“ He replied

“Can you get away Wednesday after work? Jay is out of town and we would be all alone?”

“Would I get my cookies then?”

“And then some…..;))” she answered.

At this point I was shaking. I called my cousin telling her we would have to get together later that something had come up. I immediately went to the living room where my husband was watching TV. The kids had gone outside to play and I point blank asked him if he had been having inappropriate conversations with anyone online. He flatly denied it, but the look on his face gave it all away. He was involved with someone and it wasn’t me. He was having an emotional affair.

All of the events happened in a matter of minutes, but to me time stood still. I packed a bag for myself and the kids and headed to my best friends house to vent. I couldn’t be with him at that moment. He had lied to me and broken a sacred promise to love, honor and cherish only me until we died. I had already been through a marriage with a cheating spouse and he knew how I felt about that topic. However, he was now a cheater and I was crushed. The next few days vacillated between flying by and moving at a snails pace. I cussed at him, I yelled at him, I cried, I accused him of awful things, but mostly I was hurt and scared.

What did this mean for my future? How would I support my kids on my own? He had no financial obligation to me or them since they were from my first marriage. How could I be so stupid to allow this to happen to me again? What was wrong/broken in me to make two men cheat on me? What had I done to deserve this? How was I going to pick myself up and survive this again?

All of these questions swirled through my mind over the next few days as we started picking up the pieces of our broken marriage. Trust had been lost and that is a hard pill to swallow. No words could make it better. No words could excuse what had happened. No touch, no kiss, no look could take away the hurt that we both felt and the failure we both were a party to. Nothing said would ever be trusted again. Nothing would ever be the same again.

We meet with the pastor of our church and he assured us that we could make it through this. My husband swore that while what I read in the IM conversations told the opposite he had never been sexual with this person. He said they had talked about it, but the opportunity had never presented itself. In addition, he said he was glad that it came out when it did because now there were no secrets. We have been counseled by many, our pastor, a marriage therapist, and individual counselors to try and make this marriage work.

We've gone on romantic dates and we take walks together. We turn off the TV when the kids are not around and actually talk to each other. More than anything, we have had to learn to listen to each other and be friends again. I want answers that he didn’t have. He has questions that I can't answer. In the end, we both own a part of this infidelity.

This has only recently taken place. In fact it has been less than two weeks since I learned of these conversations. I have gone from wanting to divorce him to wanting to work it out to wanting to cheat myself to wondering if I can trust him again.

One thing I have learned through all of this……Forgiveness does not equal Trust

I may never have the trust with this man again…..and if I can’t get it back…..I can’t live in a marriage like that.

If today is better than yesterday...

will tomorrow be better than today? I hope so.

This last week of my life has been pure hell. The only other time I have felt this way is when my first husband told me he wanted a divorce and was leaving me for another woman. Now, all those emotions and feelings are back and are so raw that I just can’t seem to get through the day without losing my mind.

For those interested here is the Readers Digest version of what is going on. About a month ago my husband met a lady at work who shared similar interests with him. He told me that he was going to meet her a few times for coffee and to go over some designs she was/is working on for a project at work. I was fine with it because he had finally found a friend that had an interest in a hobby that he did.

So I didn’t have a problem with them meeting for coffee or going out to draw…etc. Anyway, one thing led to another and one night he spent 3 ½ hours on the computer in an instant messenger conversation with her. I had a huge problem with that because I just didn’t like the fact that this new friend was taking so much of his time. So I began snooping. Which was probably not the right thing to do, but women know when something is up.

I knew his passwords to his email and IM account. I started by changing the setting to save copies of his conversations with her and I also went looking at his email. Sure enough after about two days there were several conversations and also several inappropriate emails back and forth. After leaving the house for a night and yelling every name in the book at him. I decided that I had to try and get to the bottom of this.

We have started therapy (individually and as a couple), met with the pastor of our church and also have been given some really good reading material for our marriage. However, my trust has been broken and I am having a hard time really processing how this could have happened to me again. He swears it wasn’t sexual and that they never were physical with each other. All my friends are telling me to leave him and let him fend for himself, but I just can’t give up on this that easily.

To top it all off, my Mom is having health crisis as well. She had some test run about a month ago and we are waiting on the results of a more recent CT Scan, but it looks like she may have cancer. Not sure what kind yet, but on top of all this other crap I am having to deal with the fact that my Mom may be VERY sick.

I have not shared this ordeal with my parents. If I did, they would flip and I don’t want to deal with that right now. In addition, they have enough to deal with and I don’t want to put more stress on them.

I have missed being able to put my thoughts down on “paper” and have learned that this form of communication is quite therapeutic for me. I know my husband would disagree about putting our problems out on the internet for the world to see….but who cares. This is my therapy and I need it to be able to sort through thoughts, feelings, & emotions. Right now, he doesn’t have a say so in this…..

One important thing I have learned over the last week or so is that Forgiveness does not equal Trust!

Thanks for all the comments and well wishes. I appreciate them all.

A short explanation

Well, it has been a while since I've been here and while I don't want to give a lot of details I have to say that my marriage is in jeapardy and also my mental state is not good.

I have learned some things recently about my husband that have left me feeling betrayed, lost and alone.

I will still be blogging and hope to be back to it soon. I still read each of your blogs daily. I comment sometimes and then other times I don't. Know that I here reading and enjoying your stories. Please be patient with me while I figure things out.

I'm here....

I am having a couple of personal crisis right now.

I'll be back when I'm sane!

What LOST is really about

OK I have to say that I haven’t watched LOST since the first season. However, I did happen to catch the update thing they did a couple of weeks ago to get you all caught up for the season finale (yes final with an E). I was not really that into it to begin with, but now they have added more characters and layers so that even if you thought you knew what was going on you really didn’t.

Let’s start from the beginning. You are supposed to believe that all these people survived this explosion of a plane in air and survived long enough to end up on a island where nobody can find them…..essentially they are LOST…..ha ha ha…then you learn later that they are no longer the only living creatures (notice I didn’t say humans) on the island…

So you are basically left hanging wondering if they are ever going to get found after being LOST or if they are forever stuck on this island…now here are a few of my theories….NONE of which are even probably close to correct….

1. We have a Dallas moment at the end of the series when one of the characters wakes up to find out that they just had the most awesome intense dream ever and every one of the people in the show are somehow related to them or involved in their life in some way…


2. We find out that they are really stuck on an island and that the “others” know about how to get off the island, but because they need baby reproducing machines (i.e. women) they are not about to let them go….only to find out later that they are really just about 12 miles of the coast of some mainland and have been a basic science experiment all along.


3. We find out that some rich dude has paid to keep them on this island to fulfill his own weird fantasy of people being thrown into a survival situation and he watches it as if it is his own personal reality TV show.


4. We find out that Weight Watchers and Nutri-System all have been secretly video taping all the survivors on the island and are going to use the video to show how they are able to help people lose weight be being stranded on a deserted island….however they will not show Hurley because even after three seasons he is still the same size!!!


5. We find out they are all in purgatory and that God and Satan are playing a game of checkers with their eternal souls and when one of them says “King ME!” someone else dies….

That is about all I got….sorry for the lame post!

Check back because I’m also going to do a post for Slick (Manly scents from Bath and Body Works) and EC (Post its).

And the Winner is...

What LOST is really about.

I've been gone a few days because of the long three day weekend...which actually was four days for me...because I took Friday off. I got no kids tomorrow so I will post the brilliant post as to what LOST is really about.....

It’s that time again…

I have several ideas for a post, but am not sure what I want to write about…so I’m going back to another post and am letting you pick what you want to hear about :

1. Why American Idol Sucks
2. What LOST is really about
3. Super Sticky Post It’s vs. Generic
4. Bath & Body Works (New Scents for Men)
5. Turn on the Radio….wait I need to say something first….Turn on the Radio

So Which one will it be?

It’s time for all you lurkers to post a comment and let me know!!!!!!

American Idol Tonight

Will I be watching....Yes...am I happy with the two finalists....NO. I wish that Melinda was still in it and I honestly think that the producers did a little tweaking and "fixed" it so that it would be Blake and Jordyn. I am not sure who will win....but being that I live in AZ I will be hoping for Jordin.

Another thing I hate these Match.com commericials....Its OK to look...no its not....come on now....that is the stupidest tag line ever....and Dr. Phil...love some of his advice and I hope he got paid a load of money to do those commericals.

Another commerical that runs here in the Phx. area that makes me nuts if for a strip club. It is called Babes Cabert.....and it is so stupid. Meet me at the 44th street office....oh you mean Babes Cabert....no...we are calling it the 44th street office...all of this is done via office email...between guys in the office....OMG if this was really done in this day and age...HR would be all over that so fast....stupid commericial...

OK...I'm Done!

Almost End of May

Here it is the 21st of May and I realize that it has been a while since I have posted anything of significance here on my blog. I really don’t have an excuse other than to say that I am not really sure what happened. Everyday I thought about posting something and then the day got away from me and I got tired and decided that I would do it tomorrow.

Well, today is that tomorrow. I am here and I am going to post something…I’m not sure what yet, but something….

Let’s start with Friday night. I got home after a long hard day at work. My boss’s father passed away, the owner of the company’s wife was expecting a baby and my ex and I got into a huge fight over stupid braces for one of our children. Long story short I was not in a mood to go out. I was tired, had a headache and was overall in a bad mood. However, I got up, showered, changed clothes and headed out to meet some friends for a few drinks and to catch the Suns game….they lost…AAAGGG and it was such a good game. However, they were just emotionally and physically spent and I have to say that if you are a Spurs fan…shame on you or shame on the Spurs. They played dirty the whole series and the suspension of the two Suns players and basically no punishment for the Spurs was just wrong.

Anyway, beyond that it was a great time on Friday after I got up and moving. I went to the sports bar and started drinking and kept drinking right through the game…into the entertainment and it was just a blast….I was home early though…

On Saturday morning I did what I had needed to do for a week….I slept in until about 10 am. The only reason I woke up is because I had to let in a delivery man that was dropping off the mattress for my daughter’s new bed. Then I got up did some laundry, cleaned my house and got ready for the day. Ended up in downtown at my daughters cheerleading competition and spent about 4 hours to many there.

Got home took the girls out to see Shrek the Third (don’t waste your money, wait for DVD)…came home…got sick…spent all of Sunday in bed nursing an upset tummy….

Came to work today…that has been my life lately…go go go….

Hope all is well with my fellow bloggers…

The Phoenix Suns

They lost last night...and shouldn't have...root for them on Friday!!!

Can it still be called Spring Fever...

if it is over 100 Degrees outside?

Well not really that hot, but it might as well be...but the nights the nights are gorgeous....

Alas...spring/summer time has arrived in AZ. When you love when the sun goes down, but when it is high in the sky it is so hot.

I love AZ most of the time, but this little transition from winter/spring/summer is always hard. I hold so tightly onto the cool winter days and the warm spring nights that when summer starts to show its ugly head I usually run inside and drop the thermostat about 10 degrees.

I think that part of why I haven't been blogging much lately has to do with the fact that I am trying to soak up these last few days of cooler weather before the on slaught of three digit temps hit our state......so please forgive me while I soak up some cooler nights and warm days and I'll be back when 100 degrees is normal..

Have I said how much I love AZ????

Blah blah blah blah BLAH

My life is BLAH....i have nothing fun to write about....

I will hopefully return soon....

If not...miss me until my life gets interesting again!

Interview Me!

EC and Slick had interview me posts on their blog...I was brave and decided to let each of them give me five questions to answer....see below...

If you want to be interviewed by me...let me know!

EC asked:

If you could be on one reality how which one would it be?

I would love to be on Survivor, but not because I want to win the money but because I think it is going to be the only way that I will ever lose the weight I really want to lose. Hey call me crazy, but I think that losing weight like that could be a good thing for me…LOL

What is one goal that you want to reach in life?

The one goal I want to reach in life that I haven’t done already is to retire early enough to be able to enjoy life still. I had kids pretty young and I am looking forward to a little ME time…LOL

Do you have any siblings and what are they like?

I have one brother and we are a lot a like. We have the same sense of humor and same beliefs. He is a true cowboy through and through and he is a great husband and father. One thing I can say about him is that he will always tell you exactly what he is thinking and why he is thinking it….no hold barred with that one.

What is your favorite time of year and why?

My favorite time of year is Christmas time. I love to see all the decorations in the stores, I like buying the presents, I love hearing the music in the streets. The only thing I miss is that there is no white Christmas in AZ….and there never will be ;-(

Do you see yourself being married to anyone else but your husband?

I plea the fifth!

Slick asked:

From a females perspective, tell me why there are so many bad women drivers.

Women drivers are not bad....Men drivers just don't understand that at 51% of the population we actually do own the road!

As you well know, I'm about to be married. (No, I will not give you my phone number). This is my second time around. What advice do you have for me?

Run away!!! Just kidding.....listen to what she has to say...REALLY listen...because she might just be trying to save your life/ego/pride....and she also holds the key to how much sex you will/won't have!!!

You're sitting at Taco bell when you suddenly hear the big hairy man next to you fart. You look at him and he winks back at you and asks for your phone number cause "You're one hot broad!". What do you say or do?

I wink back and say I got one better!

In your opinion, what are the 3 biggest weaknesses men have? The 3biggest strengths?

I have to stop at three biggest weaknesses of men??? I think the 3 biggest weaknesses of men are being stubborn, being macho and thinking they own the road (see answer no. 1)

I think their three biggest strengths are (no not their tubular man appendage SLICK)! When they open up and share their true feelings, admitting that they really can't fix EVERYTHING, and realizing that women do have brains!

Finish this sentence.... "Slick approached me with his pet tarantula and stuck it right in my face....."

See I know this would never happen as SLICK is afraid of anything with more legs than he has!

Sick Kids and Clorox Bleach

Did you know that Clorox Bleach kills 99.9% of bacteria it comes in contact with on a surface? Did you know that if you use it to clean your bathtub and your child then takes a bath before you rinse it down…it will not cure the 99.9% of bacteria that is making her sick…however, it will make her skin itch…

I did not know this…now I do! Don’t ask me how!

BTW no reason to call CPS or DCHS...she is fine and was unharmed...once she was rinsed off she was fine......

My Date with the Lego Man

My most recent trip out of town was with my two best girlfriends. We try and take one to two trips together a year to get away from the family and just be silly. Our last few trips have been to Vegas so we decided to do something a little different this time. We chose to visit the happiest place on earth….Disneyland. Now before you get all excited let me just say that I never thought that the Wonderful World of Disney, pure as the driven snow, could ever EVER be tainted. I always thought that when in Disney you were protected from things like….hangovers, hands on men and throwing up….apparently you are not!

We get to our hotel around 3 pm on Friday night. It is cool and breezy outside and I think to myself (no it’s not a wonderful world) that this is going to suck being at Disneyland on a cold night. We proceed to go over to the hotel restaurant and have a few drinks and burgers. Finally make our way over to Disneyland and ride a few rides and decide that we need some drinks.

Now in California at Disneyland there is a place with a bunch of shops and they call it Downtown Disney. There is everything from the Wide World of Disney store to an AMC movie theatre. And…my new favorite place to visit…Tortilla Joes…where I met the very beautiful very gay very over the top IAN. Love this man more on him in my next posts I promise….Ian proceeds to tell us all about the Hollywood night life and how we should go out with him after his shift. This is one pitcher of Margaritas and two shots of tequila later. WE still have not worked up the courage to go out clubbing with a strange man who waited on us at the restaurant. Two pitcher of margaritas later Ian has now sat down beside me and become my leaning post. He then tells us of all the great stores in Downtown Disney including Something Silver and The Lego Store….which he happens to add has a full life size giraffe and a Darth Vader all made out of Legos. What he fails to mention is the little old man made of Legos on the bench outside of the store.

Three pitchers of margaritas and we have invited Ian to Vegas with us in July. We have exchanged numbers with him and we have pretty much said that he can stay with us anytime anywhere any place as long as he promises to keep the margaritas coming. Four shots later my stomach is starting to rebel and my friends want to go shopping. Seeing that they are not as drunk as I am I ask where they want to go….The Lego Store they say….OK I’ll wait outside on the bench.

About this time, the fireworks in Disneyland start and they make me nauseous. I want to lie down on the bench and wait for my friends…but no…someone is sitting on the bench and they won’t move. “Excusth me…buth can you Pleasth move…I am wasted and I needth to liiieee down!” I say to this man who looks like he is sleeping. He doesn’t responde….HELLO MR! I need to LIIIEEE down beforeth I PUUUKKKEEE on you and your yellow legs….your yellow legs….hahahahahahaha your yellow!” Followed by much pointing and laughing on my part.

Then yes…Ladies and Gents…I proceed to laugh so hard I almost pee my pants…but then I decide this is going to be the only friend I make this weekend that 1) can’t tell anybody about what I have done and 2) will have to listen to me regardless of what I have to say…so I sit on his lap and tell him all the things on my mind…about Ian and how adorable he is and how my family just doesn’t understand me and then I show him my new nose stud which he loves and tells me that I very much have the right type of nose for a piercing….Thank you…my motherth didn’t thinks so…I say.

That is when I kissed him…yes ladies and gents I kissed a big yellow plastic lego man. Full on his plastic lips and then proceeded to nuzzle against his neck and FALL ASLEEP for at least 15 minutes until my friends came out to rescue me. Apparently, MR. Legoman was starting to get a little frisky and fixing to take advantage of me while I was out cold.

I made it back to the hotel room…proceeded to eliminate many margaritas from my body. The next day I had to go visit the lego man again…to get a picture (thank god cameras were left at the hotel the day before) and get my picture taken with him.

Here you go:

Sorry Guys

Here is the deal....The post that won

Date with a Lego Man will be up by the end of the day.

I've had a couple of sick kids and haven't been able to get it completely written or posted...

Please be patient...but I promise it is worth it...

You Vote....I'll write

I have been out of town the last few days (Thanks to Slick for asking about me)!!!


I have several stories from my most recent trip and have several blog titles that I would like to write....you tell me which one you want to hear first...


1) My date with the Lego Man

2) You Ain’t Never Had a Friend like ME!

3) Tortilla Joes and Ian

4) One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila FLOOR

5) My pretty little flowered fingernails...and Indiana Jones

Voting will end tomorrow morning. This is the chance for all you lurkers out there to speak up.....come on you know you want to!

My Ambien Experience

A few weeks ago I went to my doctor because I had a urinary tract infection and I was there to give a new sample to be tested for God only knows what. While I was there I asked my doctor if I could talk to her about my current sleep patterns. She asked me what they were and I said they didn’t exist. Basically what happens is that each night my body starts to gear down for bed. My body gets tired and my breathing gets regular…somehow this is a sign to my brain that it needs to start making a to do list… Then I get up and go watch TV, play on the computer or read until sleep once again is able to take over my body.

The reason I wanted to talk to my doctor about this is that I was tired of taking 3 Tylenol PMs every night just to fall asleep and then on top of that I was also feeling rather groggy in the morning because my body could sleep off all the medication in time. So, we talked and we talked some more and she finally wrote me a prescription for Ambien. Now I have to say that I am not one to take drugs for most things. I will suffer through a cold, I will deal with the symptoms of allergies and the flu and I are best friends, but usually through all of this I do not take drugs (prescription or otherwise). Even when I had my UTI a few weeks ago I didn’t want to take drugs…however, infections do clear up better when treated with meds…..

She told me to take it only as needed because it was a “controlled” substance….much like the Zoloft she made me get a prescription for about a year ago because I would cry if I sat down at my desk (yes, I deal with anxiety and yes, that is the one drug I take regularly, if I don’t my life stops functioning). She said the first time I took it should be after a big meal when I have not been drinking alcohol and on a night when I didn’t have to work the next day so that I could judge how my body would react to the medication.

OK, I thought I’ll try it this Friday. I usually go out and have a big meal, and a few drinks, which I could skip and that would leave me with all day Saturday to recover if needed….OMG it was needed.

Now people, I have been drunk before and I have been hung over before and neither of these can even begin to describe how this felt. I took the pill after I went to dinner and went home. About ½ and hour later I still felt nothing….so thought ok not bad I can handle this….about 10 minutes later I thought I was tripping on acid….which I have never done…the room started to spin, the moon crashed into my house and the sun slept in my bed that night. Dragons were talking to me; Harry Potter saved me from falling off a building and at some point Wolverine kissed me. It was a serious trip.

Needless to say, I had a prescription for 30….and guess what…I still have 29!

Ambien Anyone….anyone

AAAHH the sacred Fortune Cookie say…..WHAT?

You will hear pleasant news……in bed?

This was my fortune today. I went to have Chinese food today for lunch. It is one of my weaknesses that I allow myself to partake in once a week. Not so much because Chinese food is bad for you, but because when I am there I want to order one of everything on the menu. One of my favorite parts of the meal is the end when you get to crack open the fortune cookie.

When I was a kid (probably like 14-16) and we would get fortune cookies we would always add in bed to the end of the fortune….so you might get one that says Money and Health will come your way….in bed. Now what exactly are you supposed to glen from this….you will get paid to have sex, but you won’t catch a VD???? Or what about Today is a good day for being with a companion….in bed….well at least you won’t be alone in bed. And this one…..Quality counts and you've got it….in bed….is that akin to it’s not the size of the boat it’s the motion of the ocean women tell men….. (Yes, a Jeff Foxworthy reference)

So while at this Chinese restaurant today I was on my way out the door and they have a basket full of fortune cookies…….and guess what…I took a handful…..now I’ll crack them open…live here in my blogger and type them out for you and let’s see how interesting this gets….

• Your dream will come true when you least expect it……in bed (Brad Pitt is coming to my house?)


• Wearing green will bring you the luck of the leprechauns…in bed (NO THANKS)


• You will live long and enjoy life…..in bed (YES!)


• Look to nature to discover your talents…..in bed (WHOA…honey where did we put the pine cone when we were finished last time?)


• On the first week of next month, do something just for yourself….in bed (Isn’t it more fun when you play with a friend?)


• You will attract cultured and artistic people….in bed (isn’t this the definition of an orgy?)

Happy Tuesday!!!

Be back tomorrow.

Nothing new to say

I made a new friend...

I am a friendly person by nature. I like to talk to people I don't know on the street in the store and all around. If I am drunk this trait becomes 100 times worse. While in Vegas last year I made friends with an old man, a young man and a man in a viking hat...yes the ones with horns.

I have a tendency to listen to others conversations and interject my opinion when I feel it is approriate....and I am generally a nice person.

So today...I made a new friend...he is 4 years old (think Bill Cosby as Himself "I 4 years old") He loves me...and I love him...and he is my new best friend.....

He is the son of one of the guys I work with...and they stopped by today to see what was going on. While he was there a client dropped by to give me something...while he was there (he is an old friend) he gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek...my new friend DID NOT like that...

He said to me....loud enough for my client to hear.....

DON'T EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN

...lol

I am loved!

Why do today what can be put off until tomorrow or the next day or the next!

This post will not be about making a midnight run to the post office on April 15th (which is a Sunday so your taxes don’t have to be post marked until April 16th @ midnight) nor will it be about making sure you file all of your W-2’s with your tax forms. No…ladies and gents this post will be about how happy I will be once April 15 (or in the case of this year the 16th) is here and gone.

You see…I work for a small office. Everyone within the office is pretty much self-employed except me….which I could be and they have approached me about it…but at this time.....NO.THANK.YOU! My boss is what most people would relate to as the CFO of the company…pretty much all things financial are in his realm of control. However during this time of the year he is busy….REALLY BUSY…..and not because he has to be….NO…because he chooses to be…you see he does all the tax returns for everyone in the office, their family and friends and such. In reality it adds up to about 25 total tax returns….but my wonderful boss…and yes I do like him and love working for him….is what we in the real world call a procrastinator….yes…he does not get in a hurry to do anything until it is due…which means that my life will be a living hell for the next 10 days…why….because he has waited until the week before the taxes are do to start on them.

Now I really don’t mind because my job is simple….get the returns as they are done…file away our copy, coordinate signatures…and post mark the damn envelope…all of this is fairly simple….where my life starts to get complex is when my boss starts working nights….NOT because I have to work nights….but because he starts to get cranky….add to this the fact that we have about 10 million (well probably more like 7 really) projects that are also coming due around April 20th….OMG…his OCD (yes he is a procrastinator with OCD…go figure) has kicked into overdrive and I must have been asked 15 times today if I made a copy of this or made that journal entry or if I turned the key in the lock on the door 7 times (no I turned it 8…OMG….the world ends).

Now I am a pretty organized person when it comes to my office at work. I like order on my desk and I don’t do clutter well….my home is a different matter, but my desk at work is ALWAYS CLEAN! So here is my issue….as the OCD and procrastination has finally come to a head where it needs to be dealt with or someone is going to die my office explodes into a tornado whirl wind of paper and staples…yes…ladies and gents my boss also has an affection for used staples…and I find them everywhere….on my desk, on my floor…in my files….at one point he thought it would be funny to put them in my coin purse in my purse…I kid you not…Needless to say I hate my office right now and I don’t think I can honesly take one more piece of crap in my office without losing my mind….and honestly…it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge on a normal day…so add this stress and WHAM-O I’m a crazy lady (note to self…..call doctor to get more happy pills)

The point of this post…..I don’t have one….I just needed something to write about today…

Thanks!

Drinks on Me!

Everyday Sonic Drive In has a happy hour special – ½ price drinks from 2 to 5 in the afternoon. Now while I’m not usually out and about during those hours I have on occasion snuck (as in walk right out in front of my boss) and partook of a Route 44 oz Iced Tea (no lemon) please from my favorite drink spot in the whole world….Sonic.

Well, today was especially a rough day…I don’t know why, but I just didn’t want to wake up this morning and when I finally did everything that could go wrong…did…so when 2 pm rolled around I made my way out the front door and to the drive through….and wham bam thank you ma’am I had a fresh 44oz Iced Tea….no…Root Beer….wtf? I know I ordered Iced Tea and I can’t stand Root Beer…back to the drive in….guess what…I got a free drink card good for 10 free drinks…because they screwed up….SWEET….Drinks on Me!

I’m BACK!!!!

Did you miss me? Come on I know you did….admit it. You’ve been waiting with bated breath for me to return and tell you…….that I’M BACK! Well, probably not, but your going to get it anyway.

My long weekend turned out to be just that LONG. I always seem to get nostalgic for home and start to pine for a simpler life and time with family. Then I go home and after about 48 hours start to realize why I moved 10+ hours away from my family and why I would NEVER consider moving back there…..until another 6 months passes and I am once again struck with the bug to move home…it is all a vicious cycle I tell you….LOL

The party for my grandfather and his new wife went very well. I have to say she is a lovely lady and I can tell that they both love each other very much. I thought I was OK with him getting remarried and back into the swing of that whole game, but it bothered me more than I thought it would seeing him with another woman who wasn’t my grandmother. I was fine through the whole party, but once I was back at my parents house and realized that his is now building a life with someone else it struck me hard. However, I know that he only has a few years left on this earth and if she makes him happy, then so be it….I am the last person who should be passing judgment on him…divorced, pregnant before marriage…does not hold a lot of water in my family as far as opinions go.

Another nice aspect of the party is that I was able to see family that I hadn’t seen in years. My cousins who I remember at perpetually 5 year old are all grown up and some of them have babies of their own. Why in my mind did I still have them pulling my hair and stealing my lip gloss? In fact, one of them has a baby and another on the way…..Man time goes by fast. I have to say that despite all our differences and all the things that we have gone through as a family we are all able to still do one thing well….and that is throw one hell of a party. There was dancing, singing, visiting and most importantly….EATING. Good down home cooking…YUMMY. I think I gained 10 lbs in 2 days.

One thing I have to say is that I am happy to be home. I never thought I would look at AZ with longing, but once that plane touched down and I was on my way home I had to say…YIPPEE.

One bad thing….this was the first Easter with my kids that I didn’t dye eggs or have an Easter Bunny visit….think they will forgive me?


PS….all you lurkers….say hi…I would love to be able to link to your blogs…..

Either I'm Missed or I don't get the joke...

One of the blogs I frequent is Slick and today he left me the below comment...what does it mean?

Slick said...
Hey? Today is the 9th girl.

Does it mean he misses me? Can't wait for my posts? Or I am just so boring that I have so others that my life is far less interesting

Slick .....let me know!

LOL

I'm sure there is a way

I keep reading about bloggers who are "backing up" their posts from the last year, two years etc. I want to know how to do that.

My fear is that one day Blogger crashes and all my bits of worldy wisdom that nobody has ever read will be lost to the masses, I mean me and I will never again figure out how I got from Laughlin to Disneyland in three steps or less. Or that some great guy named JERRY helped me fix my mailbox lock or that my kids taped me singing Karoke and are still threating to put it on You Tube...

All of these bits of me would be lost FOREVER, FOREVER I tell you. And what would the world be if you didn't have ME....LOL.

So I am appealing to all these lurkers...you know your there...I see you...all my regular readers (hello all 4 of you) and anyone else who wants to help an insane lady out.....

HOW THE HELL DO I BACK UP MY POSTS?

ThAnKs!

Out of Town AGAIN

Man the months of March and April have been hard on me. I don’t know why I did this to myself, but somehow I have two more trips this month. One is this weekend where I am going to go home to see my family. There is a reception/party for my grandfather and his new wife on Saturday, so I am excited about that.

Then in two weeks I am going to CA with a couple of girlfriends to go to the happiest place on earth. Yes, I know I was just at Disneyland, but I think being there with girlfriends is different. I am excited, but also looking forward to that being the last trip for a bit. There is rumor of a trip to Vegas in July, but I don’t know if my body, mind or soul can take it. I am sure by July I will be recovered, but man I am tired right now.

My house is a wreck. Seems like the suitcases have not been properly put up in about a month. My bedroom looks like a refugee has come through and is fleeing her home land. Clothes, shoes, etc strung about like a mad woman lives there. My bathroom is just gross and my kitchen…I can’t even find my salad bowl chopper thing that is my favorite. Next weekend I will be HOME and I think a little spring cleaning is in order. I can’t take the piles of junk/trash (at least trash to me)/disorder that my house has now.

I have had many a friend come over and say your house is so clean and organized, but they don’t get to look in the closets or under the beds or in the cabinets. My mother and grandmother are the same way…pseudo pack rats. The surface of everything is clean, but underneath and hidden away is junk. Now I usually pride myself on not having a lot of junk. My drawers, closets etc are usually very nicely organized. Sterlite containers are my best friends and I can usually find things I am looking for in under a minute. However, lately it as been a push to just put shit where ever we have room for it at the time.

Right now I am sitting here at work thinking of the piles of crap in my bedroom and knowing that it will be at least a week before I can get to it. I am just tired of all the clutter. I would sign up for one of those clean me up reality shows, but I am afraid that they would laugh at me and say…What…this isn’t junk.

Oh well, at least I get a trip outta town and don’t have to stare at it this week!

BTW…since I won’t be here….

Back from Laughlin

The trip to Laughlin went well. Actually I had a really good time up until my friend got DRUNK! I’m not talking a little tipsy I am talking hanging all over….getting in the face of the person next to her….fall down drunk. It was her birthday and we had fun….but it was all I could do to pull her away from the Cuban boy that had attached himself to us…..

Besides that the trip was great…..I learned to play Black Jack…which isn’t hard in the scheme of things….but I’m an accountant and Black Jack involves math and I am hopeless with out my ten key….LOL.

I did pretty well…nothing to jump up and down about…but OK.

Hope you all had a great weekend and once I have more energy I will tell of my adventures in Lake Havasu with the spring break crowd on Saturday….let’s just say I saw a lot of ASS….and most of it was HAIRY!!!! LOL.

Good ol’ WD40

I posted yesterday about changing my mailbox lock and how I was going to do it myself. Well, I did…kind of. Last night I got home and pulled out all the tools needed to do the job….screwdriver (flat-head), pliers and a socket wrench. Yes, I know you are amazed by my knowledge of all things tools.

Well, as it would be the lock I bought was too small to fit our mailbox, so off to Home Depot where I found that they didn’t even have anything close to what I really needed. And before you ask yes, I did take the old lock with me to compare. Some nice old man with the name of JERRY written in black sharpie on his smock helped me out. I ended up buying three different locks in hopes that one of them would work. As I was leaving the “lock” department of Home Depot JERRY stopped me and asked if he could see the lock I was replacing. Sure, I gave it to him. He didn’t say a word to me (the lock still had a key in it) and proceeded to go over to the “tool” department of the store. I was fearful I would never see my blessed lock again. The whole time JERRY is mumbling something about lubricating and needing to twist something inside…HUH...needless to say I was getting a little scared now.

Next thing I know he hands me a can of WD40 and tells me to buy the locks I have, but before I try any of them to put this original lock back on the box, spray WD40 into the lock itself and any keys we use to open the box…OK. OK, I say and then he says that what he thinks may have happened is that the lock is binded inside…from moisture or from being hit or something. And that I should be able to “lube it up” and be fine.

Ok, so I walk out of Home Depot $20 poorer than when I went in. I get home and once again head down to the cluster of mailboxes at the end of the street. I was a sight I tell you. I had my tools all nice and neat in a box with my Home Depot bag and my hoodie sweatshirt because it was COLD outside. I seriously think I scared at least two people that stopped to get their mail while I was there. I think one of them even asked if I was trying to steal her mail....UM NO...you are like 100 years old...what would you have in your mail that I would want...a letter from Wilford Brimley?Betty White?

Our mailbox is the farthest down on the cluster of boxes and to the right. So I was able to sit on the ground directly in front of our box that had no lock on it since I had stolen it a few hours before (yes, I typed HOURS) and take a good look at what JERRY had been telling me. I did as he said….put the lock back on….not much to it a clip and twist of a wrench and it was back on. I then took out my handy dandy can of WD40 put the little red straw on the end…and blasted three sprays into the lock itself. Let me tell you WD40 smells the same today as it did when I was a kid. And I still hate it today…as much as I did when I was a kid. A little jiggle and the key slid right out. OK…another blast on each of the keys and voila a perfectly working lock…I checked it about 5 times with each key…WHOOO HOOOO. We are back in business baby….and the whole thing cost me $4…for the WD40…so let’s do a price analysis


Cost to have USPS come out in two weeks to change lock….$45
Cost to have me talk to JERRY and fix myself……$4

Total Savings…..$41.

Yeah for me.

BTW…WD40 is not just good for fixing mailbox locks. This site shows almost 2000 different uses for the stuff….man WD40 and Twinkies will survive the nuclear holocaust.

Let's Say Thanks

To my old renter!!!

My Former Renter

And let's say HELLO to the new kid on the block

Dear Me!

Collecting Change

I have a thing for change. I love it. I know that I am probably the only person on the face of the earth that would really enjoy counting a rolling change, but I do. So much so that I just counted and rolled $60 of change that had been sitting in a drawer here at work for the last two years. In addition, I wrote a check for the change so that I can add it to my change at home. Tonight, I am going to count my change from my change bowl and see how much I have. Wouldn’t be great if I had like $100…and based on the size of my bowl…I just might…gotta get coin wrappers on the way home.

Also, I get to use tools tonight when I get home. Now around our house my spouse is not seen as the handyman that I would like him to be. About six months ago we bought a new faucet and garbage disposal for the kitchen. Guess who installed BOTH of them…yep that would be me. In addition, I have been known to wire a ceiling fan, fix a leaky faucet, and also replace whole parts of toilets etc….now I am not a handy myself, but I grew up in a home where my Dad fixed almost everything that broke…I paid attention and while I don’t consider myself a great mechanic or able to build a whole house minor home repair is OK with me. Therefore, I get to replace the lock on our mailbox. I called USPS and being the frugal government agency that they are they were going to charge me $50 to replace the lock because it is now broken…NO THANK YOU! I’ll do it myself…once I figured out that I could. I’ll let you know how that goes….

Let’s see what else is new…OH…I officially think I am having a mid-life crisis. I am headed out of town this week to go on a birthday trip with a friend and guess what…I’m getting a massage, facial and going to see ½ nekkid men on stage…yep…between that and my nose piercing I am officially headed off to have my mid-life crisis…does this mean I’ll only live to be 66?????

First Day of Spring

Man I totally missed it. Yesterday was the first day of Spring and I missed posted about it. Well, please forgive me for being a day late and a dollar short...

Anyway, spring time here in the southwest mostly consists of the following (especially in AZ):

• 
  
  Calling the air conditioning repair place to make sure that your unit is ready to go for the summer....oh yes...this has to happen by March or you are sure to have problems in April...


• 
  
  Changing the sprinkler/drip system to water at 4 am and 10 pm everyday so that vegetation that is not normally found in the desert southwest will thrive in your front lawn


• 
  
  Making sure that you have picked up/raked every dead leaf in your yard to make sure you are keeping up with the Jones’s immaculately kept front lawn


• 
  
  Taking trip to Home Depot to buy plants to put in your planter boxes that will live for two weeks until you either forget to water them or it hits 100 degrees and kills them.


• 
  
  Sending pictures to your friends/family in the upper northeast/Midwest/northwest of all the things in bloom and you running around in shorts while they are still in winter coats shoveling snow (I actually like this part of spring in AZ)


• 
  
  Taking walks at night (about 9ish) to enjoy the cooler weather only to realize it will last about a week before you are no longer able to leave the house without sweating like a pig


• 
  
  Last but not least….gearing up for the Ostrich Festival that usually happens this time of year because you know…everyone has to ride an Ostrich at least once in their life….
  

Happy Spring

That was Easy.....NOT!

I currently work for a real estate developer (yes, we are the evil people in AZ that keep eating up the desert to make way for newer and bigger shopping center....evil grin). My job when I started here about two years ago was to do the accounting/bookkeeping/office management. I love that part of my job. I love numbers (they always add/subtract/multiply/divide the same way every time...yes 1+2 always equals 3) However a little over a year ago the person who dealt with all of our property valuations, property tax, ag status reports and water use permits left the company. At this time it was decided that I would take over this job as it was pretty brainless....or at least we thought it was.

Now this is not a post complaining about my job. I love my job and I love who I work for and the office staff is great. It is a small company with about 8 people total in the office and I really couldn't ask for better people to be working with on a daily basis. I am able to pretty much come/go as I please. I get time off with the kids when I need it...dr. appointments, dentist appointments, school appointments etc...are not a problem here and that is part of the reason I love working here.

My post is more of complaint about our local government. More directly a complaint about the parts of the county governments that are in charge of valuation of land, filing of deeds and paying of property taxes. I honestly don’t know if there is a test that has to be failed prior to being employed by these offices or if you have to show you have an IQ of an ant, but the people that work at these places really don’t have a clue as to what is going on….when I can tell you how to do your job better than you know how to do it yourself…..there is a fucking problem…..case and point…the below conversation I had today with a clerk at the county assessors office….I shit you not…this is word for word what was said…..

“Assessors office, Kari speaking how may I help you?”

“Yes, Kari. My name is Lisa and I am calling from XYZ company. I understand that we need to file forms 82916R, 82617Z and 82915Y to qualify for AG status for our properties located at ABC location. Can you please tell me where I can go to pick up these forms as I am not able to locate them on your website?”

“Yes, I can help you with that….could you please hold while I transfer you?”

“OK, thanks!” (horrible holding music comes on……5 minutes (yes 5 minutes) still holding….)

“Um, yeah I just talked to my supervisor, we don’t have those forms here in our office, you need to go to our website and download them.”

“Ok, I would be happy to do that, but I am on the assessors website and I do see a link or any information on getting forms online.”

“How can you be online and talking to me at the same time?” (She actually said this!)
“We have a direct internet connection. We don’t use a dial up modem therefore I can talk to you and look at the web at the same time. Can you please direct me or have someone who knows what they are doing direct me to the right place to get the forms?”

“Um….hold please.” (more horrible hold music……10 minutes later….still holding)

At this point it is a mission to just hassle these people….Plus it is a BAD PMS day….so I am in the mood to piss some people off….

“Yes, this is Jack….can I help you?”

“Yes, Jack. My name is Lisa. I am calling from XYZ company. Kari was supposed to be finding out how I can download some AG status forms from the internet. Could you possibly help me with this request?”

“Yes, Lisa I can help you. You see we don’t have those forms online. You have to go to the Department of Revenue office located downtown to pick them up. We do not carry them in our office.”

“I’m sorry…you are saying that forms I must file with you are kept at the department of Revenue office and that once I get them and complete them I file them with your office. How does that make sense?”

I kid you not this is what he said ……

“It is part of our checks and balances so that the forms do not get misused!!”

WTF….how can they get misused….they are forms.…you fill them out…you file them and you wait…..

Luckily…I did get a direct number to the department of revenue…talked to a competent lady and she is sending 100 of each form…

Freaking government employees…..like we don’t deal with enough crap now we have to explain to them what we are looking for…and why we need it…only to find out they don’t have it….

The Beatles Hello Goodbye

I don't know why but this song is stuck in my head today.

Happy Thursday!

You say yes, I say no, you say stop, and I say go, go, go
Oh no - you say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello

I say high, you say low, you say why, and I say I dont know - oh
Oh no - you say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello

Why, why, why, why, why do you say goodbye, goodbye - wow
Oh no - you say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello

You say yes, I say no, you say stop, and I say go, go, go
Oh no - you say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello - hello

Hey-la, he-be hello
Hey-la, he-be hello
Hey-la, he-be hello
Hey-la, he-be hello
Hey-la, he-be hello - ah

New Renter....Let's Show Some Love

See my new renter up in the left corner over there....let's show some love and go over and visit this site.

My New Renter

Not sure what to write about

I just can't seem to come up with anything interesting to write about. I feel kind of blah. I think I am getting a spring cold. Plus my nose is running and it is not fun to try and blow it with my new piercing. OUCH! It seems to be healing nicely.

Yesterday was my first day back at work and it was pretty good. I wrenched my neck the night before so I mostly just sat at my desk with a heating pad on my neck/shoulders. I also finally got to download all the pics I took from our trip. There are a couple of really awesome ones from Sea World that I will probably try and post here. How those people are able to work with those animals and have complete trust is beside me. I would be flipping out knowing that a creature the size of a small vehicle had the ability to shoot me out of the water and trust them to not try and drown me...I mean come on we all have bad days...even Shamu...you are telling me that Shamu is always going to act like he is supposed to...???

Seems like March and April are going to be travel months for me. Next weekend I am headed to NV with a good friend of mine for her birthday. I am sure 1/2 naked men and lots of drinks are in order....then the next weekend I am headed to NM to see my family...it is Easter weekend and they are having a reception/party for my grandfather and his new wife...then middle of April me and a couple of girl friends are going to CA to visit Disneyland. Yes, I know I was just there, but being there with girlfriends is much different!

Well, that is all for now....

Have a great day!

Back to Work....Back to the Grind

Tomorrow will be the first day back to work for me in a week. I am excited and ready to get back into the routine. It has been fun and it has been relaxing, but I am ready to get back into the swing of things. Life is much more calm and I am better when I have a routine and set schedule of events in my life.

That being said I am not looking forward to getting up at 6 AM tomorrow. That will be a shocker as will getting dressed and getting the kids ready.

Oh well, such is life....BACK TO THE GRIND STONE!

Covering a Broken Heart

Something has happened in my life that I can't really talk about or write about. It is something that has left me with a broken heart and no real way to mend it or fix it. I am not sure how to get over this bit of hurt that has come into my life. There is nothing anyone can do to fix it and there is nothing I have done to deserve it.....I guess my best recourse is to just suck it up and deal with the pain.

I hope that at some point I can tell you all about my loss.

New Face...Same Name

Why I did it....I will never tell...but you can tell me....do you like the nose piercing????

Back from Vacation

Well, we are back from vacation. Man...three days at the happiest place on earth (AKA Disneyland/California Adventure) will wear a person out. Do you know what early entry to the park gets you.....the opportunity to wait in long lines earlier in the day....however, we did have a really really good time. With the exception of Tuesday in which the youngest got overwhelmed with all the stuff and went into a complete breakdown. Once she was able to get a little nap back at the hotel she was ok, but I really thought I was going to lose it there for a good hour or so.

Yesterday found us at the beach and my oldest daughter had a blast playing in the surf. She borrowed a boogie board from some guy on the beach and eventually we went and rent her one and a wet suit. She must have played in the surf for a good hour or more and was totally exhausted when we left. After a quick trip to a fast food resturuant and a bathroom stop we were headed home.

I never thought that I would be so happy to be back in my own bed or in my own home. My house was just the same as I left it....except the cats were so ready for some human interaction...so much so that little boy (the youngest) whined at the bedroom door all night long. Finally I got up and put him in the garage...I just was not in the mood to deal with a whiner all night long.

I slept until about 10:30 this morning which was so great. I didn't have to get up or be anywhere today. I am planning on taking today to unpack and just chill at home. Of course, the kids are BORED. Being totally entertained for the last 5 days has pretty much spoiled them and they don't know how to entertain themselves at this point...LOL.

The only other peice of news is that I got my nosed pierced.....pics to follow!

Thoughts for the Day

One of my favorite past times is to surf through the ever growing world of blogs. You can find them everywhere. MySpace, Blogger, Word Press, personal websites….but for those of us who are not internet savvy to have our “own” website we are at the mercy of these places that allow us for “free” to post our thoughts, feelings, comments, etc out on the internet.

I have been contemplating moving my blog over to WordPress and have even gone over and signed up for a new account, but after having to wait for about 10 minutes for one page to load I am thinking better of it. The nice thing about Wordpress is that it seems to me there are a lot more features that allow for more personalization of the site than what Blogger offers. However, I am sure that there is a way to customize and do all the changes I want to my blog in Blogger again I am not internet savvy in HTML code to do all of these changes.

I am not in as much of a funk as I have been over the past few days. I am really looking forward to my vacation that is coming up this next week. It is so long overdue…I need some time to recharge my batteries and just chill. I am really contemplating leaving my cell phone at home, but I know that about the time I decide to do that my work will need to get a hold of me for some odd reason. How to print a check, how to pay a bill how to park their car…who knows.

One of the biggest pet peeves I have about my office right now, more specifically my boss is that he will stand outside my office in the hall and try to dunk shot a stack of mail into my in-box. This inevitably fails for many reasons 1) he is not athletic at all, 2) stacks of mail do not float like a basketball 3) the shot was doomed from the beginning when he said “And he shoots for two.” Therefore, I end up going to the other side of my desk and picking up twelve – one hundred pieces of mail that he has just thrown at me. Now I know that he is just trying to have fun and be silly, but this is a balding man with a comb-over….funny is not in his repertoire of things he can be.

Another annoyance is the man who has the office next to me. Twice a week without fail he can be caught clipping his nails….EEWWW. He doesn’t bother to shut the door or anything….he just clips away for all the office to hear. You would think eventually someone would say something to him, but nope…and the clipping goes on and on and on….I wish I could say something to him, but he is a level above me and I am sure it would cause issues….I have gotten to where I go outside at the first sound of a clip…I think I left something in my car is always the excuse I use….

Well, I have a stack of things on my desk to do and less than 16 hours left in this week to get them done….Oh My how time flies when you are overworked, underpaid…and generally just over looked!!!

Happy Thursday!

When are we leaving?

My conversation this morning with my seven year old:

“Mom, when are we leaving go to Disneyland?”

“In three days, honey. After you get home from your Dad’s house on Saturday.”

“When is that…in like 24 hours?”

“No, more like 72 hours, or a little more, but it will be soon. Are you excited?”

“Well, I want it to be in 24 hours.”

“We can’t leave in 24 hours, I have work, Daddy has to work and you have school.”

“Can we just leave in 24 hours?”

“No, we can’t because it will not be vacation time yet.”

“But, let’s just leave in 24 hours, ok Mom”

“No, now brush your hair”

“But, if we leave in 24 hours I won’t have to go to school”

“In 24 hours…Disneyland will be closed!”

“Ok, Mom, lets leave in 72 hours!”

"OK"

Dawning of a New Day…..

It is amazing what a little sleep and rest can do for a body and soul. Today is a good day because I am happy. I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. It might have something to do with the fact that in less than 4 days I am leaving for the happiest place on earth…Yes ladies and gents….DISNEYLAND….is in my future….I am so excited.

It might be just the thing that my heart and mind need to get out of the funk I have been in the last several days (weeks/months) and get back on track. The rides, the squeals of the kids as we roar down the Matterhorn, the screams as we spin until we want to puke on the teacups, the terror in their eyes as the giant snake snaps at you on the Indiana Jones ride…and Mickey Mouse….what better place to get back in touch with all that is right in the world and hear…

M I C K E Y M O U S E!!!

blaring in Toon Town.

Yes, by the end of the week I will want to slash my wrists, by the end of the week I will be ready to kick MICKEY MOUSE in the head, by the end of the week I will be wanting to throw screaming kids down Splash Mountain…but for at least a few hours I will be able to be in total bliss….

Plus…where else can you find a frozen banana on a stick?

Depression & Anxiety

When someone has given you a diagnoses of Depression brought on by Anxiety it can feel like the end of the world. It can feel like you are worthless and broken. I think that is how I feel right now. I feel worthless and broken. I feel like something inside of me needs to be fixed because of all the things that are happening in my life right now…I am the only common denominator. I am the only common link…..so what to do now.

I have gone back to the counselor and asked them about this…about how I can live knowing that I will end up in a deep dark hole every so often and how my anxiety will contribute to that cycle. I have to say that this time it is not as bad….this time the depression and the darkness are not as deep not as dark….but they are still there….a little hand holding shut the window not allowing any sunlight to invade this tiny dark space of my brain.

Depression and Anxiety….they go hand in hand for some of us….for other their brains can handle the over load of emotions and sort them in to nice little categories or boxes to be dealt with systematically….should I buy Johnny blue shoes or brown shoes…a year ago this question would have sent me into a tail spin….now I just get whatever fits….but other things are starting to affect my life…things outside of my control….the way the people around me drive, the fact that I can’t stand to sit in a public place with others around…afraid that they will see and judge me for what is broken inside….the way that everyone in my office can sit quietly in their office…the clicking of keys the answering of phones…and inside my brain is screaming for the noises to stop…I am wanting to rail against everything that is sane in my brain…to run screaming from the building to make the pain stop….

I sit here in the quiet of my office with my door closed just to be able to listen to complete silence….am I broken…is something inside of my severely flawed or am I just human…going through emotional turmoil….waiting for the depression to end…the desert to be quenched….or is there a bigger problem here….

All I know for sure….I need this to end…I need peace….

Choices

My dad sent me a little power point thing today about choices you can make about how you live your life. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad. You can choose to enjoy your life or you can choose to be angry. It is all up to you…the choices you make…OK…well let’s look at my life lately.

My life sucks right now. I could choose to look at the bright side and choose to be happy about the suffering I am going through…but instead…I CHOOSE to be angry…I choose to be depressed….I choose to not be happy…WHY?

I choose to not be happy because right now I don’t see a silver lining….right now I don’t see how anything can be happy….I can’t seem to shake this feeling that the other shoe is going to drop…and then what…I’ll choose to get a divorce, I’ll choose to live alone….I’ll choose to not ever again allow anyone into my life….because I’LL CHOOSE to not want to be a part of anything greater again…

So now…do I CHOOSE to make this work…do I choose to not only try and see a silver lining…but to CHOOSE to make the best out of a bad situation??? I choose to not be a victim….I choose to make myself happy….but in making that choice…do I choose to end my marriage?

More Fighting

So last night was a huge fight night. It was not boxing on TV or even a fight on a sitcom…it was real and it was at my house and it was bad.

I tend to have mother bear instincts. You come down on my kids or you correct my kids out of turn and I will jump on your ass faster than you can turn around. It doesn’t matter if you are my spouse, my significant other, my ex, my parents, my friend or even someone I trust completely. NOBODY comes down on my kids except me and only when I feel it is right.

I know this is a flaw in my genetic makeup…my mother was/is the same way, my grandmother will rip your face off if you so much as look at her kids cross-eyed and my great grandmother was a pistol until she died at the age of 95. All the women in my family are highly sensitive to what happens to our kids, so it is no surprise that I struggle with the whole step-parent issue.

I have issues with my spouse being a step-parent and my ex’s wife being a step-parent. I have issues when either of them discipline my kids and it is becoming more and more of an issue in my marriage especially with everything else that is going on between us. Last night was especially bad. I am not saying that my kids are perfect….far from it, but you don’t yell back at them….and yes…I was probably wrong, but here is what happened.

As you all know there have been some significant problems in my marriage of late and that has led to both of us being very on edge around each other. We are each much more sensitive to what is said/done and each of us has shorter fuses than we normally would. Something was said to my oldest kid by my spouse last night and instead of her just doing what he asked she mouthed off (not right I know) he immediately yelled back to which she yelled back to which I yelled shut up both of you. Yes, I stepped in, yes I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but the tone of his voice and the way he talked to her immediately had my MAMA BEAR instincts on fire. He came and gave me a go to hell look to which I replied you look at me like that again and I will knock that look off your face.

Fast forward two hours, I have a meeting that I have to go to and I take both kids. Not because I want to and not because I don’t trust him with them, but because I wanted to make sure that I didn’t come home to a huge brawl. I go and I do what needs to be done, put on a happy face for those around me, laugh at all the right times and superficially get involved in the discussion. I head back home, get the kids off to bed and go to find my spouse…who proceeds to lecture AT me for another 45 minutes. At one point he asked me if I wanted a DIVORCE….that was my chance, but I didn’t take it….why? Because I am not ready for that…and I didn’t want to say it in a moment of anger…..

When I cry I get all red nosed (hello Rudolph) and runny nosed and my eyes swell up. It is not a pretty sight, but I usually recover fairly quickly. However last night I had all I could take….I got my pillow and my blanket and went to the couch…thankfully I have slept on it before and I quite enjoy it….but sleep would not come…demons and thoughts haunted my mind.

What to do what to do….do I still love him…that is not a question I can answer right now I thought. I don’t know what I want to do….I can’t make such an important decision based on the fact that I am angry now….and then what if he leaves and I realize that this is not what I wanted….or he leaves and I finally feel relief…

I know that this clash was just a symptom of a bigger problem…a problem bigger than what he and I can handle together….he wants to go to counseling together…and I want to continue to go alone….I don’t trust what I will say to him in front of another person….I just don’t know what to do anymore….

Can someone come and take over my life for the next six months….make all the hard choices and let me know the outcome….Thanks! I’m taking applications via my comments…