Wednesday, January 23, 2008

We interrupted this silence to bring you…..

What has happened with the world? Britney is crazy, Heath is dead, the writers are on strike and I’m back to having panic attacks. I mean really people, let’s talk about the whole world of Hollywood and how life is so hard for these people.

First and foremost, Heath Ledger’s death was tragic. I think he was a very talented actor and I hope/pray that they are able to determine that his death was a simple mix of pills or something wrong internally. I would hate to have to think about him committing suicide with a young daughter. I loved him and Michelle Williams together. I know that they ended their relationship a while ago, but I really thought they made a good couple and even when they were no longer together it seemed like they were trying to be civil for the sake of their daughter.

Britney – OMG can she get any crazier. I was thinking about it today and I know that she is not in her right mind. What normal person would forgo a mental wellness evaluation to prove you are sane enough to see your kids? NO ONE!?!?!?! Maybe they just need to start slipping her some meds in her cranberry/vodka drinks? I know if I was in the fight with my ex over how/when/where I could see my kids and a mental wellness evaluation had to be done I would be there. Some people just don’t get it.

The writer’s strike…..I hate, hate, hate this. I really don’t know what/why they are striking nor do I really CARE. However, I do know that I hate not having anything to watch on TV. I do have gazillions of movies and I have gotten a lot of use out of them recently, but I am missing The Office, Desperate Housewives and Grays Anatomy. I think that the writers need to suck it up and talk to whoever needs to be talked to and stop crying over the money. They all make gazillions of dollars anyway…..maybe that is not really the point…..I guess MY point is…I need my TV shows back…..and I’m starting to get really PISSED OFF….

In other news, my Zoloft refill has been denied by my doctor. She believes I need to come off of it….and how does she plan to do that….COLD TURKEY….I think I need to find a new doctor because I just can’t live without my mind altering drugs…LOL. I really just need them for my panic attacks….see paragraph one!

Life other than that is pretty good…..well unless you consider the TV and panic attacks….

Damn I need a drink!


Friday, January 11, 2008

New Blog

I think I have my first subject ready for the He Said/She Said blog. I would like to invite men and women to weigh in on this topic – New Years Resolutions – How are they different for men vs. women.

I know for me every New Year I promise myself I’m going to stop eating badly and start an exercise program. Then I get about a week or two into the routine and say screw it. Then I proceed to go back to the very bad habits I had before and end up at the end of the year making the same resolution. At the end of the day, I really don’t think I’ll ever be a exercise horse….but I could live healthier.

Anyway, if you would like to post a snippet about this subject drop me a line.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

I’m Back

Geez where have I been. I swear I’ve been around, but the last couple of months have been a real doozy in my life. At age 32, I finally have decided “screw the world, I’m going to make myself happy and if you don’t like it, then to hell with you”

As most of my readers know I was having some marital problems about the middle of last year. Adultery lies, and all the fun stuff that goes along with that. In addition, I hated my job, my ex was driving me up the wall and life in general was just getting me down. I was depressed, angry, lonely, hurt, and just plain miserable. About the middle of October, I went to see a therapist about my outlook on life. It had gotten to the point that I was really contemplating suicide or just giving the kids to their dad and running away. Both options, I know now were not smart and were all emotionally based in a non-reality.

After several sessions with the therapist, I was put on anti-depressants. Let me tell you, I love my Wilburton. It makes the whole world look rosy….lol. It took me a few weeks to really feel the affects of the meds, but now I feel more on an even keel. I just was not in a good way….so much so that I wanted to cancel the holidays. Kind of hard to do that when you have a 7 and 12 year old that is expecting “Santa” to visit. So, I pulled myself up and got back into life.

I was told I needed a non-threatening form of therapy…..basically a hobby. Something that I could do that did not involve self mutilation of any kind….damn that takes all the fun stuff away….drinking, smoking, recreational drugs…LOL I was told to sign up for a knitting class. Damn….it was doctors orders to get out of the house one night a week to be with different people and learn a new skill that had nothing to do with kids, work, marriage or outside problems. This was hard for me because while I am a very social person, I was going through so much that I had refused to make new friends, try new things or just live.

I would basically come home from work, make sure the kids were fed, homework was done and then immediately go to bed. There was nothing in my life that was just mine. By force, I was made to go find something that I wanted to do for nobody else but myself. So there I was in the beginning of November surrounded by a bunch of old ladies in knitted sweaters, knitted socks, knitted vest with knitted bags holding their WIP (works in progress) just clicking way with their needles.

I am not crafty by nature. My mom and my sister-in-law can look at a room or look at a pattern and immediately get an idea for some new craft project. I am right-brain dominate. I like structure, order, all the numbers line up. My furniture in my house has never been moved. The dishes in my kitchen are still in the same place they were 7 years ago when I moved in. My bedroom is still the same…everything in my home has a place. Once a room is decorated it very rarely gets an update. Not because I don’t want it to, but because my nature is that once something is placed there that is where it belongs.

I struggled those first few weeks just making conversation. I was by far the youngest in the class. I was also by far the least skilled and had trouble making the stitches. I became frustrated and just overwhelmed. This seemed like another thing in my life that I was just going to fail at and have to go back to my therapist and say…..look see what I screwed up again. Three weeks into the class I had 6 inches of knitting. The other ladies were working away on beautiful projects. I hadn’t even picked a pattern yet. After my third class I went to the instructor and told her that I didn’t think that I could do this. Crafting was not in my blood and I just didn’t think my fingers would ever “do the walking” so to speak.

This lady who was about 70 years old took my hands in her soft wrinkled hands and said “In these hands lies a beautiful piece of work just waiting to be done. Don’t think so hard about it being perfect; don’t worry about your progress in regards to the others in the class. Many of these ladies take this class not to learn the skills but for the social hour it allows them once a week. Many have been doing this for YEARS, you just started. Be patient.” Then she gave me a pattern book and an assignment (great another thing to do) Pick a pattern that you like. Something you could see yourself wrapped up in on a cold winter night or wearing out to a nice dinner. She assured me all the patterns in the book were at my skill level and I would have little problems completing them.

With tears in my eyes and a heaviness that I didn’t understand I took the book and went home. The next day I started looking at it and one pattern just stood out to me. A long wrap with a scarf attached. It looked light but warm and it was beautiful. I took it in the next week and was sent into the yarn shop to find my yarn and needles. An hour later I was sitting next to the instructor learning how to read the pattern. My hands were shaking and I was sick. I just spent $80 on yarn and needles for a project my mind was saying I would never finish. The lady took my hands, put the needles in them and said close your eyes. Imagine yourself wrapped up in this garment, feel the fabric on your skin, now knit.

For the first time in four weeks my mind went blank and I just knit. Stitch after stitch after stitch. For the first time in several months my mind was calm, quiet and relaxed. I wasn’t worrying about what I needed to do when I got home, how long I would have to work the next day or even if the kids were ok. I just knit and it was wonderful.

I’m still not finished with the garment, but that is not the point. The point is that I’ve been given a gift from a bunch of oldies (as they call themselves) of being able to allow my mind to rest. I was (and still am) caught up in the rat race. I have a new job and I love it, but it is very demanding. However, every night I work on my garment for 20-30 minutes knowing that it may take me a year to complete or more, but I have finally found a way to allow my mind to be free….if only for a few moments a day.

That is a gift. I’m still in therapy. My husband and I are still together, the kids are still busy with all of their stuff. My therapist was so right in sending me to that class. She said that anytime we do a repetitive task, our left brain closes off and our right brain takes over. It allows us to see things in a different way, find solutions to problems that we have been struggling with or just to relax and unwind. I’ve found that now if I don’t do some of my knitting each night I get restless. I’m so thankful for the women at the yarn shop and my therapist for giving me a way to just leave this world. If only for a little while each night and the ability to see the beauty that comes in a ball of yarn.