Friday, June 29, 2007

Office Supplies


I am a self professed office supply junkie. I have had this problem for quite sometime. I can get lost in places like Office Depot, Staples and even the office supply section of Wal-Mart. Something about being among new pens, pencils etc….makes me happy. I have been known to buy a package of pens and not open them for six months because I really didn’t need them but I liked the packaging or the colors. Usually by the time I get around to using them they are dried out or not good anymore.

On my desk alone at work I have a mesh wire cup that holds all of my writing instruments…pens, pencils, sharpies, highlighters…etc. I am officially grounded from the office supply catalog at work because I tend to go a little crazy on the writing utensils. I mean who really needs 8 different colors of Uni-Ball Gel Pens 5.0 point…not me…but guess what I’ve got a blue, a green, a red, a black and a pink. How special is that.

I do have to say that although I do love the Uni-Ball Gel Pens the most I am a sucker for FREE Pens. These usually come with some sort of marketing on them, Joe’s Crab Shack, ABC Bank International (now with 3 branches to serve you) International my ASS!, First Community Church where you matter, Bridgestone keeps you on the road….etc. Why am I a sucker for these pens? I’ll tell you why because they are great for keeping in my purse, my car, and my backpack etc….I can use them and lose them and not feel awful about it.

Anyway, all of this to say that if you need pens for your business look no further than here--->PENS.
This has been a sponsored post.

PayU2Blog

OK peeps, don’t get angry with me, but I have signed up to be part of the whole pay to blog world. I’m not sure if I will really get much out of it, but at least it will make for interesting topics to post about. Plus, I mean who really couldn’t use an extra $5/month..that will buy…um…well…let me get back to you on that…

Anyway, just know that if you see me blogging about things that are out of the ordinary it is probably an assignment that I got to write about. You can comment, click on the link, ignore it whatever…..

Have a great weekend!!!

Betrayed Again.....


OK, I’m having a minor setback on the home front. Things were going really well, and then last night my husband and I were talking and some things were brought to my attention. I am just numb and hurt right now.

About two weeks ago when all of this was really coming to a head and we were trying to decide what to do with our marriage and our life, I gave him a stipulation….you want to stay married you end all contact with this girl. And he said he did, and I believed him.

Last night after reading in a book recommended by his counselor his asked if we could turn off the TV and chat. So I did and I turned to him and asked what was up. He said that in his last session with his counselor he told him that he was having a hard time giving up the emotions and contact with this girl. I guess he admitted to the counselor that he was still emailing/chatting at work with this girl. She apparently was shocked/hurt/angry that he ended it and was doing her best to try and stay in contact with him.

I guess his counselor told him that he needed to have a physical one-on-one confrontation and tell her that it is over that that all contact needed to stop. I guess he did that this last week and all contact has stopped….but here is my issue:

I feel like last night he was telling me this because he was feeling guilty for “lying” about ending contact with her and he felt like he needed Kudos or something for “doing the right” thing. I swear I was so upset and shocked. I told him that I hoped his conscience was clear now because he had unloaded on me and basically lied about all the things I had asked him about in regards to her over the last several weeks. I really feel like he could have gone the rest of our married life and not shared this with me. In addition, I was so angry that I finally said that I never wanted to hear about her again….that if he decided that he still needed a relationship with her (friendship or otherwise) that I didn’t want to know about it. I guess she still wants them to be platonic friends….and he says he has told her he can’t do that….I also said that if there are any coffee dates, lunches or “meetings” with her that the least he could do was make sure that I didn’t find out about it. And she also told him that while she is sorry that I found out…HE should have been smarter about deleting the IM’s/emails

He also asked me a few weeks ago to stop the hounding/accusations because they were wearing him out and he felt like it was counter productive to trying to make things work….so I did. I stopped completely (not easily…and I don’t do cold turkey well). I would not ask about her I would not asked what he was doing I would not accuse him of anything and I guess that has got his radar up because he said that I have been very calm and eerily quiet about the whole issue….which is true. However, I was/am mostly just tired of fighting.

Anyway, that is my home life in a nutshell (look I’m in a nutshell..lol)….I’m sorry for the run on sentences and incoherence of this post….any questions/comments will be considered…lol

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Pigeon Forge Cabin Rental

OK guys, you have got to check out this link

Pigeon Forge cabin rental

Now don’t let the link fool you, when I first initially saw this link and the description on it I thought who would rent pigeon cabins for a week or longer. I mean you really have to be a bird lover to want to rent cabins for pigeons to nest in on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.

However, once I looked closer (cause you know I‘ve got to click a link that talks about pigeon cabin rentals) I realized that it is a website for the rental of cabins (see I was right) for PEOPLE….duh…..in Pigeon Forge, TN….big DUH.

Now the reason I posted this link is not to make you all go yes you are dumb and we are here to prove it to you….NO….I already have this knowledge and I in no way need it pointed out to me further. However, what intrigued me most about this website is the pictures of the view and the cabins themselves. If I was a millionaire (or even a little well off) I would totally camp my booty out at one of these places and never leave. I mean if I could do that I would have food brought in, a bellman (handsome of course, with great abs) to flick the channels and refill my wine glass, and a permanent masseuse (or a male version of this masseur?) at my beck and call.

For example, look at this photo Who wouldn’t want to stay in a cabin called Altitude Adjustment or Perfect Day! I mean really!!!

So that is my goal…one day when life is easier and my day to day is not so day to day….I will go to Pigeon Forge, TN…I will stay in the Perfect Day cabin….and if I’m really adventurous….my bellman Carlos (hunka, hunka) will be there to wait on me….

Now back to reality people!!!!!

This has been a sponsored post.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Pass the Tequila….I’ve got the Lemons


Seems that life lately has got it in for me. From what is going on in my personal life, my ex giving me hell, and work now on my case I just can’t seem to get out of this rut that is my life. I feel like I have been given a case of lemons with no water or sugar to make lemonade…..Well, as a wise woman once told me (Love you Sherry) screw the lemonade….Pass the Tequila…..

Life as I know it right now is crazy. I am holding onto my marriage by a very thin, very fragile thread. Things are getting better day by day, but there is still a lot of anger and hurt that I am working through. Although, the trust is starting to come back….slowly.

My ex is a jerk. Our youngest needs some orthodontist treatment and his wife is such a B**CH, she wants a completed financial breakdown of the whole process….which I am fine with…however, my problem comes when she sends him to do her dirty work. I don’t have a problem getting them this information…I don’t have a problem sharing that information. However, when the two of them fight or are not getting along, he attacks me…and I hate it.

Lastly, I guess my work hours are in question. My boss pulled me into his office on Monday to tell me that while my work product is fine the hours I spend actually at the office has got to get more routine. He says my kids have been having too many appointments over the last several months and then me taking off a couple of Fridays does not make for a good working relationship.

I was not surprised by this conversation, but let me say that I’M BORED. I have NOTHING to work on come Friday. I will not sit around with nothing to do and he is refusing to give me more projects, so what am I to do….I guess they hired me to occupy a chair regardless of the work that I have to get done….oh well, guess I’ll be updating my resume….

Well, it is HUMP DAY and I am ready for the week to end. My kids have been out of town with my parents all week. I am ready to see them, you never realize how much you miss those little rug rats until they are gone….

In happier news…Meet LOLA….our new puppy. She comes home on July 5th!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

My visit with fellow blogger(s)



I hope this doesn’t freak Andrew out…..but I have been dreaming about him for the last two nights. I don’t know why exactly because its not like we have every met. However, I have had two very vivid dreams in which he played a huge roll the last two nights.

My first dream was of me hanging out with him and the gang at some of the local spots he talks about. Then we hiked out across the river and sat and watched the trains go by for what seemed like hours. Next thing I knew we were going through his new home and I was admiring his hardwood floors thinking they must be a bitch to keep shiny.

Last nights dream we were playing cards. I don’t even know if he likes card games, but we were playing UNO and SkipBo. I don’t know why, but we also had several other bloggers there including, DraMa, EC, Slick and Annabel. We were all just hanging out playing games and laughing. Then for some reason we were all on the second level of Andrew’s house….but here’s the thing…from the pictures he has posted there is no second level….so what’s up with that.

Anyway….anyone wanting to analyze my dream(s) is more than welcome….

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Leave it to DraMa…LOL




I’ll admit that I have had a few downer posts of late….but who wouldn’t with what has been going on in my life….but leave it to my blogging friend DraMa to lay it all out there….

"Ok, one thing you said stood out... You don't want to leave
him home alone?The way I see it is if you do go out and he does contact this
woman or meet up with her, he is still cheating and you should leave him.
However, if you stay home and "babysit" him and he would rather be with this
other woman at that moment, you aren't doing anything to save your marriage.
What I'm saying is that no matter what you decide to do that night, you are
being counterproductive for yourself and him. If you don't have trust you don't
have a marriage... and it's not fair to put yourself through that. If you go out
and he remains faithful, then maybe you have a chance and maybe he'll
change."

You know what…she’s right….and guess what…I’m going out tomorrow night….

Another thing…..I had a dream about a fellow blogger last night…I’ll write a post on it later today….nothing bad or sexual (darn it) just friendly….

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

What tomorrow brings




Well here I am in week two of trying to save my marriage. I’m not sure how it’s going to be honest. I’ve been more irritable lately and more on edge. I can’t seem to sleep and when I do it is fitful. I am throwing myself into work, but by the time I get home I am good for nothing. All I want to do is sleep. I think depression is setting in.

A good friend of mine called me the other day to see if I would go to dinner with her this week. I really want to, but it is on a night that the kids are with their Dad and I just don’t feel right leaving my husband at home alone. I know that sounds like I am treating him like a little kid, but right now it’s all I can do to let him go to work without wanting to question his every move.

I have called a couple of counselors and they are both booked until August. I have upped my dosage of anxiety/depression meds (per my Dr. recommendation) until I can get into see someone. Man, depression sucks!

I am trying to find a place online that will allow me to write for money. I know this sounds far fetched, but I would really like to someday get paid for writing. I know this will never happen, but I love to put words on paper (mostly handwritten) and I would love to be able to share what I have written with others beyond this blog.

I have gotten some really nice comments from newbies and oldbies (is that a word) and I really appreciate all of them. To all of you who emailed me privately…THANKS SO MUCH. To all of those who left encouraging comments and advice…THANKS SO MUCH….

While things aren’t great yet….each day gets better!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Why Do I Keep Marrying My Mother?

Needless to say some of you are going to look at that title and say what? Why would she think she is marrying her Mother? However, if you give me a few moments I promise you I will be able to bring it all back around to this title. Here we go.....

As a child, my Mother scared the be-jesus out of me. She was definitely the one in the family that wore the pants. She ruled the roost and made sure my brother and I knew it. From my observation, she had my Dad pretty hen-pecked as well because he was always at her beck and call. Don't get me wrong, my Dad is a man and he does he job as far as being head of the family, but my Mother can pretty much get whatever she wants from him.

As a child I grew up wanting only to please her and make her happy. I would do almost anything to keep from getting in trouble...including doing the wrong things like lying, cheating etc. It was approval I looked for from her and when I didn't get it I was crushed. I got pregnant in college out of wedlock by a man that my parents hated. I had the baby and ended up marrying this man to spite my parents. I wanted to prove to them that we would work and that I knew better.

Unfortunately, I didn't know better. About 5 years and 500 miles from my family later he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. I begged, I cried, I did everything I could think of to get him to stay with me. I wanted his approval and I wanted to be loved by him. He still didn't want me despite my best efforts to get him to stay.

A year later I met my now husband and I thought things would be different. Our "honeymoon" period lasted longer and without kids together we were able to really spend some good one on one time together when my kids were gone. We would go to dinner, plays, movies, shopping so many different things that just helped us bond. I really thought we had a lot in common....however, as the the years have passed I am noticing a drift and now he has done the same thing as my last husband. I still want his love and approval, but I'm not sure he can give it to me.

This goes back to my title why do I keep marrying my Mother? Well, I'll tell you.....I want approval from those who are supposed to be closest to me and love me unconditionally. I need to see in their eyes that they think I am worthwhile and lovable. When I don't get that I plant another seed of doubt in myself that eventually grows to be a really big weed. I am trying to get past approvals of others, but it is so hard.

One great thing that has come of my past is that I do not allow my daughters to thrive on my approval....meaning I make sure to let them know I love them regardless of the bad stuff they do. Yes, they do get punished and yes they hate me for it. But when it is all said and done, I always follow-up with a pep talk and hugs and kisses. I never got that. I am hoping this is a way to reverse the cycle. I don't want my girls looking for their value in men or the approval of others.

Advice for today...........Don't Marry Your Mother!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Forgiveness ≠ Trust


I signed onto the computer at home hoping to be able to get on and off in a few minutes. My cousin had sent me a text message asking if we could talk via IM about the upcoming family reunion. As I signed on I noticed that the IM program was already running, looking closer I saw that my user id was not the id that was signed on. I clicked to open it and see which of the kids had been online chatting with their friends. Imagine my surprise to see that my husband had an account and had a girl as his only friend on his list.

I did some investigating. I looked at old saved conversations and my world came crashing down. As I read what he and this girl wrote back and forth I physically wanted to puke. I wanted to stop reading, but my brain just kept scrolling through the lines…

“You want some cookies” she asked

His reply “Cookies sound good. What kind of cookies?”

“You know the kind that melt in your mouth.”

“Those are my favorite kind. Would you serve them to me in bed?”

“Of course, after I had screwed (insert more vile word here) your brains out and you were famished.”

“I can’t wait to see you again ;(“ He replied

“Can you get away Wednesday after work? Jay is out of town and we would be all alone?”

“Would I get my cookies then?”

“And then some…..;))” she answered.

At this point I was shaking. I called my cousin telling her we would have to get together later that something had come up. I immediately went to the living room where my husband was watching TV. The kids had gone outside to play and I point blank asked him if he had been having inappropriate conversations with anyone online. He flatly denied it, but the look on his face gave it all away. He was involved with someone and it wasn’t me. He was having an emotional affair.

All of the events happened in a matter of minutes, but to me time stood still. I packed a bag for myself and the kids and headed to my best friends house to vent. I couldn’t be with him at that moment. He had lied to me and broken a sacred promise to love, honor and cherish only me until we died. I had already been through a marriage with a cheating spouse and he knew how I felt about that topic. However, he was now a cheater and I was crushed. The next few days vacillated between flying by and moving at a snails pace. I cussed at him, I yelled at him, I cried, I accused him of awful things, but mostly I was hurt and scared.

What did this mean for my future? How would I support my kids on my own? He had no financial obligation to me or them since they were from my first marriage. How could I be so stupid to allow this to happen to me again? What was wrong/broken in me to make two men cheat on me? What had I done to deserve this? How was I going to pick myself up and survive this again?

All of these questions swirled through my mind over the next few days as we started picking up the pieces of our broken marriage. Trust had been lost and that is a hard pill to swallow. No words could make it better. No words could excuse what had happened. No touch, no kiss, no look could take away the hurt that we both felt and the failure we both were a party to. Nothing said would ever be trusted again. Nothing would ever be the same again.

We meet with the pastor of our church and he assured us that we could make it through this. My husband swore that while what I read in the IM conversations told the opposite he had never been sexual with this person. He said they had talked about it, but the opportunity had never presented itself. In addition, he said he was glad that it came out when it did because now there were no secrets. We have been counseled by many, our pastor, a marriage therapist, and individual counselors to try and make this marriage work.

We've gone on romantic dates and we take walks together. We turn off the TV when the kids are not around and actually talk to each other. More than anything, we have had to learn to listen to each other and be friends again. I want answers that he didn’t have. He has questions that I can't answer. In the end, we both own a part of this infidelity.

This has only recently taken place. In fact it has been less than two weeks since I learned of these conversations. I have gone from wanting to divorce him to wanting to work it out to wanting to cheat myself to wondering if I can trust him again.

One thing I have learned through all of this……Forgiveness does not equal Trust

I may never have the trust with this man again…..and if I can’t get it back…..I can’t live in a marriage like that.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

If today is better than yesterday...


will tomorrow be better than today? I hope so.
This last week of my life has been pure hell. The only other time I have felt this way is when my first husband told me he wanted a divorce and was leaving me for another woman. Now, all those emotions and feelings are back and are so raw that I just can’t seem to get through the day without losing my mind.

For those interested here is the Readers Digest version of what is going on. About a month ago my husband met a lady at work who shared similar interests with him. He told me that he was going to meet her a few times for coffee and to go over some designs she was/is working on for a project at work. I was fine with it because he had finally found a friend that had an interest in a hobby that he did.

So I didn’t have a problem with them meeting for coffee or going out to draw…etc. Anyway, one thing led to another and one night he spent 3 ½ hours on the computer in an instant messenger conversation with her. I had a huge problem with that because I just didn’t like the fact that this new friend was taking so much of his time. So I began snooping. Which was probably not the right thing to do, but women know when something is up.

I knew his passwords to his email and IM account. I started by changing the setting to save copies of his conversations with her and I also went looking at his email. Sure enough after about two days there were several conversations and also several inappropriate emails back and forth. After leaving the house for a night and yelling every name in the book at him. I decided that I had to try and get to the bottom of this.

We have started therapy (individually and as a couple), met with the pastor of our church and also have been given some really good reading material for our marriage. However, my trust has been broken and I am having a hard time really processing how this could have happened to me again. He swears it wasn’t sexual and that they never were physical with each other. All my friends are telling me to leave him and let him fend for himself, but I just can’t give up on this that easily.

To top it all off, my Mom is having health crisis as well. She had some test run about a month ago and we are waiting on the results of a more recent CT Scan, but it looks like she may have cancer. Not sure what kind yet, but on top of all this other crap I am having to deal with the fact that my Mom may be VERY sick.

I have not shared this ordeal with my parents. If I did, they would flip and I don’t want to deal with that right now. In addition, they have enough to deal with and I don’t want to put more stress on them.

I have missed being able to put my thoughts down on “paper” and have learned that this form of communication is quite therapeutic for me. I know my husband would disagree about putting our problems out on the internet for the world to see….but who cares. This is my therapy and I need it to be able to sort through thoughts, feelings, & emotions. Right now, he doesn’t have a say so in this…..

One important thing I have learned over the last week or so is that Forgiveness does not equal Trust!

Thanks for all the comments and well wishes. I appreciate them all.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

A short explanation

Well, it has been a while since I've been here and while I don't want to give a lot of details I have to say that my marriage is in jeapardy and also my mental state is not good.

I have learned some things recently about my husband that have left me feeling betrayed, lost and alone.

I will still be blogging and hope to be back to it soon. I still read each of your blogs daily. I comment sometimes and then other times I don't. Know that I here reading and enjoying your stories. Please be patient with me while I figure things out.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

I'm here....

I am having a couple of personal crisis right now.

I'll be back when I'm sane!