I signed onto the computer at home hoping to be able to get on and off in a few minutes. My cousin had sent me a text message asking if we could talk via IM about the upcoming family reunion. As I signed on I noticed that the IM program was already running, looking closer I saw that my user id was not the id that was signed on. I clicked to open it and see which of the kids had been online chatting with their friends. Imagine my surprise to see that my husband had an account and had a girl as his only friend on his list.
I did some investigating. I looked at old saved conversations and my world came crashing down. As I read what he and this girl wrote back and forth I physically wanted to puke. I wanted to stop reading, but my brain just kept scrolling through the lines…
“You want some cookies” she asked
His reply “Cookies sound good. What kind of cookies?”
“You know the kind that melt in your mouth.”
“Those are my favorite kind. Would you serve them to me in bed?”
“Of course, after I had screwed (insert more vile word here) your brains out and you were famished.”
“I can’t wait to see you again ;(“ He replied
“Can you get away Wednesday after work? Jay is out of town and we would be all alone?”
“Would I get my cookies then?”
“And then some…..;))” she answered.
At this point I was shaking. I called my cousin telling her we would have to get together later that something had come up. I immediately went to the living room where my husband was watching TV. The kids had gone outside to play and I point blank asked him if he had been having inappropriate conversations with anyone online. He flatly denied it, but the look on his face gave it all away. He was involved with someone and it wasn’t me. He was having an emotional affair.
All of the events happened in a matter of minutes, but to me time stood still. I packed a bag for myself and the kids and headed to my best friends house to vent. I couldn’t be with him at that moment. He had lied to me and broken a sacred promise to love, honor and cherish only me until we died. I had already been through a marriage with a cheating spouse and he knew how I felt about that topic. However, he was now a cheater and I was crushed. The next few days vacillated between flying by and moving at a snails pace. I cussed at him, I yelled at him, I cried, I accused him of awful things, but mostly I was hurt and scared.
What did this mean for my future? How would I support my kids on my own? He had no financial obligation to me or them since they were from my first marriage. How could I be so stupid to allow this to happen to me again? What was wrong/broken in me to make two men cheat on me? What had I done to deserve this? How was I going to pick myself up and survive this again?
All of these questions swirled through my mind over the next few days as we started picking up the pieces of our broken marriage. Trust had been lost and that is a hard pill to swallow. No words could make it better. No words could excuse what had happened. No touch, no kiss, no look could take away the hurt that we both felt and the failure we both were a party to. Nothing said would ever be trusted again. Nothing would ever be the same again.
We meet with the pastor of our church and he assured us that we could make it through this. My husband swore that while what I read in the IM conversations told the opposite he had never been sexual with this person. He said they had talked about it, but the opportunity had never presented itself. In addition, he said he was glad that it came out when it did because now there were no secrets. We have been counseled by many, our pastor, a marriage therapist, and individual counselors to try and make this marriage work.
We've gone on romantic dates and we take walks together. We turn off the TV when the kids are not around and actually talk to each other. More than anything, we have had to learn to listen to each other and be friends again. I want answers that he didn’t have. He has questions that I can't answer. In the end, we both own a part of this infidelity.
This has only recently taken place. In fact it has been less than two weeks since I learned of these conversations. I have gone from wanting to divorce him to wanting to work it out to wanting to cheat myself to wondering if I can trust him again.
One thing I have learned through all of this……Forgiveness does not equal Trust
I may never have the trust with this man again…..and if I can’t get it back…..I can’t live in a marriage like that.
I did some investigating. I looked at old saved conversations and my world came crashing down. As I read what he and this girl wrote back and forth I physically wanted to puke. I wanted to stop reading, but my brain just kept scrolling through the lines…
“You want some cookies” she asked
His reply “Cookies sound good. What kind of cookies?”
“You know the kind that melt in your mouth.”
“Those are my favorite kind. Would you serve them to me in bed?”
“Of course, after I had screwed (insert more vile word here) your brains out and you were famished.”
“I can’t wait to see you again ;(“ He replied
“Can you get away Wednesday after work? Jay is out of town and we would be all alone?”
“Would I get my cookies then?”
“And then some…..;))” she answered.
At this point I was shaking. I called my cousin telling her we would have to get together later that something had come up. I immediately went to the living room where my husband was watching TV. The kids had gone outside to play and I point blank asked him if he had been having inappropriate conversations with anyone online. He flatly denied it, but the look on his face gave it all away. He was involved with someone and it wasn’t me. He was having an emotional affair.
All of the events happened in a matter of minutes, but to me time stood still. I packed a bag for myself and the kids and headed to my best friends house to vent. I couldn’t be with him at that moment. He had lied to me and broken a sacred promise to love, honor and cherish only me until we died. I had already been through a marriage with a cheating spouse and he knew how I felt about that topic. However, he was now a cheater and I was crushed. The next few days vacillated between flying by and moving at a snails pace. I cussed at him, I yelled at him, I cried, I accused him of awful things, but mostly I was hurt and scared.
What did this mean for my future? How would I support my kids on my own? He had no financial obligation to me or them since they were from my first marriage. How could I be so stupid to allow this to happen to me again? What was wrong/broken in me to make two men cheat on me? What had I done to deserve this? How was I going to pick myself up and survive this again?
All of these questions swirled through my mind over the next few days as we started picking up the pieces of our broken marriage. Trust had been lost and that is a hard pill to swallow. No words could make it better. No words could excuse what had happened. No touch, no kiss, no look could take away the hurt that we both felt and the failure we both were a party to. Nothing said would ever be trusted again. Nothing would ever be the same again.
We meet with the pastor of our church and he assured us that we could make it through this. My husband swore that while what I read in the IM conversations told the opposite he had never been sexual with this person. He said they had talked about it, but the opportunity had never presented itself. In addition, he said he was glad that it came out when it did because now there were no secrets. We have been counseled by many, our pastor, a marriage therapist, and individual counselors to try and make this marriage work.
We've gone on romantic dates and we take walks together. We turn off the TV when the kids are not around and actually talk to each other. More than anything, we have had to learn to listen to each other and be friends again. I want answers that he didn’t have. He has questions that I can't answer. In the end, we both own a part of this infidelity.
This has only recently taken place. In fact it has been less than two weeks since I learned of these conversations. I have gone from wanting to divorce him to wanting to work it out to wanting to cheat myself to wondering if I can trust him again.
One thing I have learned through all of this……Forgiveness does not equal Trust
I may never have the trust with this man again…..and if I can’t get it back…..I can’t live in a marriage like that.
6 comments:
Forgiveness may take time, but you will have to eventually be able to forgive him if you want to work things out. (And forgiveness isn't about getting even by cheating yourself... though I completely understand the thoughts you are having.) Forgiveness doesn't mean trust nor does it mean forgetting. But what it does mean is acknowledging his wrongdoing and letting it go. It means you don't throw it back in his face any time you have an argument. It means continuing to love him despite his faults though I know that will take time for you.
It's interesting how he forgot to log out of the computer. I think sometimes subconsciously they want to be found out. My husband got very good at hiding things from me, but not quite good enough. I eventually found out enough to warrant leaving him at one point. (I asked him point blank about it 3 times and he denied it 3 times until I showed him the printouts of what I'd found.) We did separate for a week. I eventually took him back because I didn't want to have a failed marriage and we tried for a year, but I was in a place where I couldn't forgive him, or be happy with him. I realized that I married him for the wrong reasons and that he wasn't the person I wanted him to be and I couldn't be the person he wanted me to be. The reason I'm telling you all of this is to let you know that I've been there and it's hard, but I'll be praying for you to work things out. Divorce sometimes is an easy answer, but it's not always the best one. I have since been able to forgive both him and myself which is a great relief.
Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time. Again, if you need anything, please let me know. I hate that you're going through this because I know how much it hurts to be betrayed.
I want to give you a big hug right now! I also want to say something horrible... that you don't want to hear. I may sound cold and unfeeling when all you really want is support... but I went through this. He said on his IM - I can't wait to see you AGAIN! Don't overlook what is right in front of you. PLEASE! you are doing a disservice to yourself and to your kids, you are MUCH too good to stay in a relationship with a man who doesn't honor and respect you!!
I too stayed, and it was never the same, till the point I absolutely had to leave just for my own sanity. Don't be fooled by his words - you deserve better!!!
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
I'm not sure what to say, to be honest.
My gut instinct says walk away. Live and raise your girls alone until you can figure yourself out. But, I realize it's easier said than done.
One things sticks out - "we both own a part of this infidelity". I think that's a crock. Regardless of what mistakes you may or may have not made, the decision was HIS! Not yours. He wasn't strong enough or respectful of you enough to stay away from another women, in whatever facet they were together.
You said yourself you seek approval from men. So do I. It's not healthy and it will never make you happy until you can come to terms and stop needing that approval from everyone.
I guess I don't have faith in men changing, when it comes to things like this. It's rare. I don't want to see you go thru this again down the road.
You have to decide what is best for you but right now you need alone time, personal counseling one on one. You have to figure things out in your own life and be happy. There are issues to get to the bottom of before you can resolve your marriage. In other words, get to the source... fix the source of the problems.
I'm not saying you are to blame at all... I'm saying we have to fix ourselves before the things in our lives can be fully fixed, instead of just band-aided. Does that make sense?
Either way, YOU didn't cheat... you didn't make him cheat. It's his fault and him earning your trust back will take a LONG time.
Hm, I guess I did know what to say! LOL!
I just linked over from Annabel and read about your situation. We can offer all the advice we want but this has to be between the two of you. Can he stop and can you forgive are key. I have personally seen three marriages saved after the most horrendous affairs but it had everything to do with those two key points and having God as the center of their marriage. My heart is breaking for you and I hope you two are able to repair your marriage.
Find your therapist. Make that appointment. Have someone help you work this through who is objective.
With me it was the cell phone bill. Those sundaes he'd get me while I was pregnant weren't thoughtfulness, but an excuse to call her.
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