Good ol’ WD40

I posted yesterday about changing my mailbox lock and how I was going to do it myself. Well, I did…kind of. Last night I got home and pulled out all the tools needed to do the job….screwdriver (flat-head), pliers and a socket wrench. Yes, I know you are amazed by my knowledge of all things tools.

Well, as it would be the lock I bought was too small to fit our mailbox, so off to Home Depot where I found that they didn’t even have anything close to what I really needed. And before you ask yes, I did take the old lock with me to compare. Some nice old man with the name of JERRY written in black sharpie on his smock helped me out. I ended up buying three different locks in hopes that one of them would work. As I was leaving the “lock” department of Home Depot JERRY stopped me and asked if he could see the lock I was replacing. Sure, I gave it to him. He didn’t say a word to me (the lock still had a key in it) and proceeded to go over to the “tool” department of the store. I was fearful I would never see my blessed lock again. The whole time JERRY is mumbling something about lubricating and needing to twist something inside…HUH...needless to say I was getting a little scared now.

Next thing I know he hands me a can of WD40 and tells me to buy the locks I have, but before I try any of them to put this original lock back on the box, spray WD40 into the lock itself and any keys we use to open the box…OK. OK, I say and then he says that what he thinks may have happened is that the lock is binded inside…from moisture or from being hit or something. And that I should be able to “lube it up” and be fine.

Ok, so I walk out of Home Depot $20 poorer than when I went in. I get home and once again head down to the cluster of mailboxes at the end of the street. I was a sight I tell you. I had my tools all nice and neat in a box with my Home Depot bag and my hoodie sweatshirt because it was COLD outside. I seriously think I scared at least two people that stopped to get their mail while I was there. I think one of them even asked if I was trying to steal her mail....UM NO...you are like 100 years old...what would you have in your mail that I would want...a letter from Wilford Brimley?Betty White?

Our mailbox is the farthest down on the cluster of boxes and to the right. So I was able to sit on the ground directly in front of our box that had no lock on it since I had stolen it a few hours before (yes, I typed HOURS) and take a good look at what JERRY had been telling me. I did as he said….put the lock back on….not much to it a clip and twist of a wrench and it was back on. I then took out my handy dandy can of WD40 put the little red straw on the end…and blasted three sprays into the lock itself. Let me tell you WD40 smells the same today as it did when I was a kid. And I still hate it today…as much as I did when I was a kid. A little jiggle and the key slid right out. OK…another blast on each of the keys and voila a perfectly working lock…I checked it about 5 times with each key…WHOOO HOOOO. We are back in business baby….and the whole thing cost me $4…for the WD40…so let’s do a price analysis


Cost to have USPS come out in two weeks to change lock….$45
Cost to have me talk to JERRY and fix myself……$4

Total Savings…..$41.

Yeah for me.

BTW…WD40 is not just good for fixing mailbox locks. This site shows almost 2000 different uses for the stuff….man WD40 and Twinkies will survive the nuclear holocaust.

Let's Say Thanks

To my old renter!!!

My Former Renter

And let's say HELLO to the new kid on the block

Dear Me!

Collecting Change

I have a thing for change. I love it. I know that I am probably the only person on the face of the earth that would really enjoy counting a rolling change, but I do. So much so that I just counted and rolled $60 of change that had been sitting in a drawer here at work for the last two years. In addition, I wrote a check for the change so that I can add it to my change at home. Tonight, I am going to count my change from my change bowl and see how much I have. Wouldn’t be great if I had like $100…and based on the size of my bowl…I just might…gotta get coin wrappers on the way home.

Also, I get to use tools tonight when I get home. Now around our house my spouse is not seen as the handyman that I would like him to be. About six months ago we bought a new faucet and garbage disposal for the kitchen. Guess who installed BOTH of them…yep that would be me. In addition, I have been known to wire a ceiling fan, fix a leaky faucet, and also replace whole parts of toilets etc….now I am not a handy myself, but I grew up in a home where my Dad fixed almost everything that broke…I paid attention and while I don’t consider myself a great mechanic or able to build a whole house minor home repair is OK with me. Therefore, I get to replace the lock on our mailbox. I called USPS and being the frugal government agency that they are they were going to charge me $50 to replace the lock because it is now broken…NO THANK YOU! I’ll do it myself…once I figured out that I could. I’ll let you know how that goes….

Let’s see what else is new…OH…I officially think I am having a mid-life crisis. I am headed out of town this week to go on a birthday trip with a friend and guess what…I’m getting a massage, facial and going to see ½ nekkid men on stage…yep…between that and my nose piercing I am officially headed off to have my mid-life crisis…does this mean I’ll only live to be 66?????

First Day of Spring

Man I totally missed it. Yesterday was the first day of Spring and I missed posted about it. Well, please forgive me for being a day late and a dollar short...

Anyway, spring time here in the southwest mostly consists of the following (especially in AZ):

• 
  
  Calling the air conditioning repair place to make sure that your unit is ready to go for the summer....oh yes...this has to happen by March or you are sure to have problems in April...


• 
  
  Changing the sprinkler/drip system to water at 4 am and 10 pm everyday so that vegetation that is not normally found in the desert southwest will thrive in your front lawn


• 
  
  Making sure that you have picked up/raked every dead leaf in your yard to make sure you are keeping up with the Jones’s immaculately kept front lawn


• 
  
  Taking trip to Home Depot to buy plants to put in your planter boxes that will live for two weeks until you either forget to water them or it hits 100 degrees and kills them.


• 
  
  Sending pictures to your friends/family in the upper northeast/Midwest/northwest of all the things in bloom and you running around in shorts while they are still in winter coats shoveling snow (I actually like this part of spring in AZ)


• 
  
  Taking walks at night (about 9ish) to enjoy the cooler weather only to realize it will last about a week before you are no longer able to leave the house without sweating like a pig


• 
  
  Last but not least….gearing up for the Ostrich Festival that usually happens this time of year because you know…everyone has to ride an Ostrich at least once in their life….
  

Happy Spring

That was Easy.....NOT!

I currently work for a real estate developer (yes, we are the evil people in AZ that keep eating up the desert to make way for newer and bigger shopping center....evil grin). My job when I started here about two years ago was to do the accounting/bookkeeping/office management. I love that part of my job. I love numbers (they always add/subtract/multiply/divide the same way every time...yes 1+2 always equals 3) However a little over a year ago the person who dealt with all of our property valuations, property tax, ag status reports and water use permits left the company. At this time it was decided that I would take over this job as it was pretty brainless....or at least we thought it was.

Now this is not a post complaining about my job. I love my job and I love who I work for and the office staff is great. It is a small company with about 8 people total in the office and I really couldn't ask for better people to be working with on a daily basis. I am able to pretty much come/go as I please. I get time off with the kids when I need it...dr. appointments, dentist appointments, school appointments etc...are not a problem here and that is part of the reason I love working here.

My post is more of complaint about our local government. More directly a complaint about the parts of the county governments that are in charge of valuation of land, filing of deeds and paying of property taxes. I honestly don’t know if there is a test that has to be failed prior to being employed by these offices or if you have to show you have an IQ of an ant, but the people that work at these places really don’t have a clue as to what is going on….when I can tell you how to do your job better than you know how to do it yourself…..there is a fucking problem…..case and point…the below conversation I had today with a clerk at the county assessors office….I shit you not…this is word for word what was said…..

“Assessors office, Kari speaking how may I help you?”

“Yes, Kari. My name is Lisa and I am calling from XYZ company. I understand that we need to file forms 82916R, 82617Z and 82915Y to qualify for AG status for our properties located at ABC location. Can you please tell me where I can go to pick up these forms as I am not able to locate them on your website?”

“Yes, I can help you with that….could you please hold while I transfer you?”

“OK, thanks!” (horrible holding music comes on……5 minutes (yes 5 minutes) still holding….)

“Um, yeah I just talked to my supervisor, we don’t have those forms here in our office, you need to go to our website and download them.”

“Ok, I would be happy to do that, but I am on the assessors website and I do see a link or any information on getting forms online.”

“How can you be online and talking to me at the same time?” (She actually said this!)
“We have a direct internet connection. We don’t use a dial up modem therefore I can talk to you and look at the web at the same time. Can you please direct me or have someone who knows what they are doing direct me to the right place to get the forms?”

“Um….hold please.” (more horrible hold music……10 minutes later….still holding)

At this point it is a mission to just hassle these people….Plus it is a BAD PMS day….so I am in the mood to piss some people off….

“Yes, this is Jack….can I help you?”

“Yes, Jack. My name is Lisa. I am calling from XYZ company. Kari was supposed to be finding out how I can download some AG status forms from the internet. Could you possibly help me with this request?”

“Yes, Lisa I can help you. You see we don’t have those forms online. You have to go to the Department of Revenue office located downtown to pick them up. We do not carry them in our office.”

“I’m sorry…you are saying that forms I must file with you are kept at the department of Revenue office and that once I get them and complete them I file them with your office. How does that make sense?”

I kid you not this is what he said ……

“It is part of our checks and balances so that the forms do not get misused!!”

WTF….how can they get misused….they are forms.…you fill them out…you file them and you wait…..

Luckily…I did get a direct number to the department of revenue…talked to a competent lady and she is sending 100 of each form…

Freaking government employees…..like we don’t deal with enough crap now we have to explain to them what we are looking for…and why we need it…only to find out they don’t have it….

The Beatles Hello Goodbye

I don't know why but this song is stuck in my head today.

Happy Thursday!

You say yes, I say no, you say stop, and I say go, go, go
Oh no - you say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello

I say high, you say low, you say why, and I say I dont know - oh
Oh no - you say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello

Why, why, why, why, why do you say goodbye, goodbye - wow
Oh no - you say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello

You say yes, I say no, you say stop, and I say go, go, go
Oh no - you say goodbye, and I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello
Hello, hello - I dont know why you say goodbye I say hello - hello

Hey-la, he-be hello
Hey-la, he-be hello
Hey-la, he-be hello
Hey-la, he-be hello
Hey-la, he-be hello - ah

New Renter....Let's Show Some Love

See my new renter up in the left corner over there....let's show some love and go over and visit this site.

My New Renter

Not sure what to write about

I just can't seem to come up with anything interesting to write about. I feel kind of blah. I think I am getting a spring cold. Plus my nose is running and it is not fun to try and blow it with my new piercing. OUCH! It seems to be healing nicely.

Yesterday was my first day back at work and it was pretty good. I wrenched my neck the night before so I mostly just sat at my desk with a heating pad on my neck/shoulders. I also finally got to download all the pics I took from our trip. There are a couple of really awesome ones from Sea World that I will probably try and post here. How those people are able to work with those animals and have complete trust is beside me. I would be flipping out knowing that a creature the size of a small vehicle had the ability to shoot me out of the water and trust them to not try and drown me...I mean come on we all have bad days...even Shamu...you are telling me that Shamu is always going to act like he is supposed to...???

Seems like March and April are going to be travel months for me. Next weekend I am headed to NV with a good friend of mine for her birthday. I am sure 1/2 naked men and lots of drinks are in order....then the next weekend I am headed to NM to see my family...it is Easter weekend and they are having a reception/party for my grandfather and his new wife...then middle of April me and a couple of girl friends are going to CA to visit Disneyland. Yes, I know I was just there, but being there with girlfriends is much different!

Well, that is all for now....

Have a great day!

Back to Work....Back to the Grind

Tomorrow will be the first day back to work for me in a week. I am excited and ready to get back into the routine. It has been fun and it has been relaxing, but I am ready to get back into the swing of things. Life is much more calm and I am better when I have a routine and set schedule of events in my life.

That being said I am not looking forward to getting up at 6 AM tomorrow. That will be a shocker as will getting dressed and getting the kids ready.

Oh well, such is life....BACK TO THE GRIND STONE!

Covering a Broken Heart

Something has happened in my life that I can't really talk about or write about. It is something that has left me with a broken heart and no real way to mend it or fix it. I am not sure how to get over this bit of hurt that has come into my life. There is nothing anyone can do to fix it and there is nothing I have done to deserve it.....I guess my best recourse is to just suck it up and deal with the pain.

I hope that at some point I can tell you all about my loss.

New Face...Same Name

Why I did it....I will never tell...but you can tell me....do you like the nose piercing????

Back from Vacation

Well, we are back from vacation. Man...three days at the happiest place on earth (AKA Disneyland/California Adventure) will wear a person out. Do you know what early entry to the park gets you.....the opportunity to wait in long lines earlier in the day....however, we did have a really really good time. With the exception of Tuesday in which the youngest got overwhelmed with all the stuff and went into a complete breakdown. Once she was able to get a little nap back at the hotel she was ok, but I really thought I was going to lose it there for a good hour or so.

Yesterday found us at the beach and my oldest daughter had a blast playing in the surf. She borrowed a boogie board from some guy on the beach and eventually we went and rent her one and a wet suit. She must have played in the surf for a good hour or more and was totally exhausted when we left. After a quick trip to a fast food resturuant and a bathroom stop we were headed home.

I never thought that I would be so happy to be back in my own bed or in my own home. My house was just the same as I left it....except the cats were so ready for some human interaction...so much so that little boy (the youngest) whined at the bedroom door all night long. Finally I got up and put him in the garage...I just was not in the mood to deal with a whiner all night long.

I slept until about 10:30 this morning which was so great. I didn't have to get up or be anywhere today. I am planning on taking today to unpack and just chill at home. Of course, the kids are BORED. Being totally entertained for the last 5 days has pretty much spoiled them and they don't know how to entertain themselves at this point...LOL.

The only other peice of news is that I got my nosed pierced.....pics to follow!

Thoughts for the Day

One of my favorite past times is to surf through the ever growing world of blogs. You can find them everywhere. MySpace, Blogger, Word Press, personal websites….but for those of us who are not internet savvy to have our “own” website we are at the mercy of these places that allow us for “free” to post our thoughts, feelings, comments, etc out on the internet.

I have been contemplating moving my blog over to WordPress and have even gone over and signed up for a new account, but after having to wait for about 10 minutes for one page to load I am thinking better of it. The nice thing about Wordpress is that it seems to me there are a lot more features that allow for more personalization of the site than what Blogger offers. However, I am sure that there is a way to customize and do all the changes I want to my blog in Blogger again I am not internet savvy in HTML code to do all of these changes.

I am not in as much of a funk as I have been over the past few days. I am really looking forward to my vacation that is coming up this next week. It is so long overdue…I need some time to recharge my batteries and just chill. I am really contemplating leaving my cell phone at home, but I know that about the time I decide to do that my work will need to get a hold of me for some odd reason. How to print a check, how to pay a bill how to park their car…who knows.

One of the biggest pet peeves I have about my office right now, more specifically my boss is that he will stand outside my office in the hall and try to dunk shot a stack of mail into my in-box. This inevitably fails for many reasons 1) he is not athletic at all, 2) stacks of mail do not float like a basketball 3) the shot was doomed from the beginning when he said “And he shoots for two.” Therefore, I end up going to the other side of my desk and picking up twelve – one hundred pieces of mail that he has just thrown at me. Now I know that he is just trying to have fun and be silly, but this is a balding man with a comb-over….funny is not in his repertoire of things he can be.

Another annoyance is the man who has the office next to me. Twice a week without fail he can be caught clipping his nails….EEWWW. He doesn’t bother to shut the door or anything….he just clips away for all the office to hear. You would think eventually someone would say something to him, but nope…and the clipping goes on and on and on….I wish I could say something to him, but he is a level above me and I am sure it would cause issues….I have gotten to where I go outside at the first sound of a clip…I think I left something in my car is always the excuse I use….

Well, I have a stack of things on my desk to do and less than 16 hours left in this week to get them done….Oh My how time flies when you are overworked, underpaid…and generally just over looked!!!

Happy Thursday!

When are we leaving?

My conversation this morning with my seven year old:

“Mom, when are we leaving go to Disneyland?”

“In three days, honey. After you get home from your Dad’s house on Saturday.”

“When is that…in like 24 hours?”

“No, more like 72 hours, or a little more, but it will be soon. Are you excited?”

“Well, I want it to be in 24 hours.”

“We can’t leave in 24 hours, I have work, Daddy has to work and you have school.”

“Can we just leave in 24 hours?”

“No, we can’t because it will not be vacation time yet.”

“But, let’s just leave in 24 hours, ok Mom”

“No, now brush your hair”

“But, if we leave in 24 hours I won’t have to go to school”

“In 24 hours…Disneyland will be closed!”

“Ok, Mom, lets leave in 72 hours!”

"OK"

Dawning of a New Day…..

It is amazing what a little sleep and rest can do for a body and soul. Today is a good day because I am happy. I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. It might have something to do with the fact that in less than 4 days I am leaving for the happiest place on earth…Yes ladies and gents….DISNEYLAND….is in my future….I am so excited.

It might be just the thing that my heart and mind need to get out of the funk I have been in the last several days (weeks/months) and get back on track. The rides, the squeals of the kids as we roar down the Matterhorn, the screams as we spin until we want to puke on the teacups, the terror in their eyes as the giant snake snaps at you on the Indiana Jones ride…and Mickey Mouse….what better place to get back in touch with all that is right in the world and hear…

M I C K E Y M O U S E!!!

blaring in Toon Town.

Yes, by the end of the week I will want to slash my wrists, by the end of the week I will be ready to kick MICKEY MOUSE in the head, by the end of the week I will be wanting to throw screaming kids down Splash Mountain…but for at least a few hours I will be able to be in total bliss….

Plus…where else can you find a frozen banana on a stick?

Depression & Anxiety

When someone has given you a diagnoses of Depression brought on by Anxiety it can feel like the end of the world. It can feel like you are worthless and broken. I think that is how I feel right now. I feel worthless and broken. I feel like something inside of me needs to be fixed because of all the things that are happening in my life right now…I am the only common denominator. I am the only common link…..so what to do now.

I have gone back to the counselor and asked them about this…about how I can live knowing that I will end up in a deep dark hole every so often and how my anxiety will contribute to that cycle. I have to say that this time it is not as bad….this time the depression and the darkness are not as deep not as dark….but they are still there….a little hand holding shut the window not allowing any sunlight to invade this tiny dark space of my brain.

Depression and Anxiety….they go hand in hand for some of us….for other their brains can handle the over load of emotions and sort them in to nice little categories or boxes to be dealt with systematically….should I buy Johnny blue shoes or brown shoes…a year ago this question would have sent me into a tail spin….now I just get whatever fits….but other things are starting to affect my life…things outside of my control….the way the people around me drive, the fact that I can’t stand to sit in a public place with others around…afraid that they will see and judge me for what is broken inside….the way that everyone in my office can sit quietly in their office…the clicking of keys the answering of phones…and inside my brain is screaming for the noises to stop…I am wanting to rail against everything that is sane in my brain…to run screaming from the building to make the pain stop….

I sit here in the quiet of my office with my door closed just to be able to listen to complete silence….am I broken…is something inside of my severely flawed or am I just human…going through emotional turmoil….waiting for the depression to end…the desert to be quenched….or is there a bigger problem here….

All I know for sure….I need this to end…I need peace….

Choices

My dad sent me a little power point thing today about choices you can make about how you live your life. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad. You can choose to enjoy your life or you can choose to be angry. It is all up to you…the choices you make…OK…well let’s look at my life lately.

My life sucks right now. I could choose to look at the bright side and choose to be happy about the suffering I am going through…but instead…I CHOOSE to be angry…I choose to be depressed….I choose to not be happy…WHY?

I choose to not be happy because right now I don’t see a silver lining….right now I don’t see how anything can be happy….I can’t seem to shake this feeling that the other shoe is going to drop…and then what…I’ll choose to get a divorce, I’ll choose to live alone….I’ll choose to not ever again allow anyone into my life….because I’LL CHOOSE to not want to be a part of anything greater again…

So now…do I CHOOSE to make this work…do I choose to not only try and see a silver lining…but to CHOOSE to make the best out of a bad situation??? I choose to not be a victim….I choose to make myself happy….but in making that choice…do I choose to end my marriage?

More Fighting

So last night was a huge fight night. It was not boxing on TV or even a fight on a sitcom…it was real and it was at my house and it was bad.

I tend to have mother bear instincts. You come down on my kids or you correct my kids out of turn and I will jump on your ass faster than you can turn around. It doesn’t matter if you are my spouse, my significant other, my ex, my parents, my friend or even someone I trust completely. NOBODY comes down on my kids except me and only when I feel it is right.

I know this is a flaw in my genetic makeup…my mother was/is the same way, my grandmother will rip your face off if you so much as look at her kids cross-eyed and my great grandmother was a pistol until she died at the age of 95. All the women in my family are highly sensitive to what happens to our kids, so it is no surprise that I struggle with the whole step-parent issue.

I have issues with my spouse being a step-parent and my ex’s wife being a step-parent. I have issues when either of them discipline my kids and it is becoming more and more of an issue in my marriage especially with everything else that is going on between us. Last night was especially bad. I am not saying that my kids are perfect….far from it, but you don’t yell back at them….and yes…I was probably wrong, but here is what happened.

As you all know there have been some significant problems in my marriage of late and that has led to both of us being very on edge around each other. We are each much more sensitive to what is said/done and each of us has shorter fuses than we normally would. Something was said to my oldest kid by my spouse last night and instead of her just doing what he asked she mouthed off (not right I know) he immediately yelled back to which she yelled back to which I yelled shut up both of you. Yes, I stepped in, yes I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but the tone of his voice and the way he talked to her immediately had my MAMA BEAR instincts on fire. He came and gave me a go to hell look to which I replied you look at me like that again and I will knock that look off your face.

Fast forward two hours, I have a meeting that I have to go to and I take both kids. Not because I want to and not because I don’t trust him with them, but because I wanted to make sure that I didn’t come home to a huge brawl. I go and I do what needs to be done, put on a happy face for those around me, laugh at all the right times and superficially get involved in the discussion. I head back home, get the kids off to bed and go to find my spouse…who proceeds to lecture AT me for another 45 minutes. At one point he asked me if I wanted a DIVORCE….that was my chance, but I didn’t take it….why? Because I am not ready for that…and I didn’t want to say it in a moment of anger…..

When I cry I get all red nosed (hello Rudolph) and runny nosed and my eyes swell up. It is not a pretty sight, but I usually recover fairly quickly. However last night I had all I could take….I got my pillow and my blanket and went to the couch…thankfully I have slept on it before and I quite enjoy it….but sleep would not come…demons and thoughts haunted my mind.

What to do what to do….do I still love him…that is not a question I can answer right now I thought. I don’t know what I want to do….I can’t make such an important decision based on the fact that I am angry now….and then what if he leaves and I realize that this is not what I wanted….or he leaves and I finally feel relief…

I know that this clash was just a symptom of a bigger problem…a problem bigger than what he and I can handle together….he wants to go to counseling together…and I want to continue to go alone….I don’t trust what I will say to him in front of another person….I just don’t know what to do anymore….

Can someone come and take over my life for the next six months….make all the hard choices and let me know the outcome….Thanks! I’m taking applications via my comments…

Can’t seem to write lately…..

I don't know what is going on with me lately, but I just can’t seem to get in the groove of writing. I just sit at my computer staring at the blank Word program thinking eventually something interesting will come to my mind. I sometimes think about writing about what is going on in my life, but there are so many things that I just don’t feel it is right to put on the internet for all the world to see. However, I do know that once I write about things I usually feel better and can make a more level headed decision based on what I have written because in black and white on a computer screen all the issues are laid out for you to see. Do you do this or do you do that decisions seem a lot easier to make once all the fact and “figures” are on a piece of paper.

Recently I posted about the state of my personal life. There are so many things going through my head right now about what to do about things. I have finally been able to be really honest with myself and understand that NO one person can make me happy in my life….that is my job. My job is to make myself happy and if in the process I can find someone to share that with then that is a bonus. The problem I am still facing is if the person that is here in my life now is the person I WANT to share it with for the long haul.

I recently started seeing a counselor again, without anybody (except those who are reading this now) knowing about it. I have done this in the past and gone to talk to someone about different things that were going on in my life. About 3 ½ years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I didn’t realize that you could have both of those things going on in the same brain, but apparently they feed off each other. So, I did two things back then….I started talking to someone about what was causing these issues and I went on an anti-depressant. I grew up in a home where taking any kind of mind altering drug was looked down upon and where going to talk to a “shrink” about your problems made you crazy. I remember my aunt (who married into our family by way of my uncle) truly believed in the art of psychology. She would go and see a counselor several times a year just to get things in her mind straight. Ultimately, when her marriage to my uncle ended he used it against her to gain custody of the kids and to keep her from getting any of the marital assets that she had helped to contribute. I truly believe that their marriage was doomed from the beginning. He really didn’t love her and had a wondering eye, she was insecure and grew up unloved and just wanted someone to love her and make her feel worthy of that love.

Unfortunately, for the two of them life had other plans and they divorced 2 years before my marriage ended. I see myself in her sometimes. I relate to how she must have felt in a loveless marriage…trying to do everything in your power to make it work make it survive, but in the end realizing that one person working on a bridge alone would not make it complete. It takes two people to make it work and more importantly it takes two willing parties to make it work….having only one willing party may make it last longer, but ultimately if the other person doesn’t want it then no amount of therapy, date nights or alone time will fix it.

My counselor recently asked me a very important question to which I replied I don’t know. To which he returned my answer with silence….a silence that seemed to last forever. I felt uncomfortable in that silence with that “I don’t know” hanging there between us…..finally he said “If you don’t know…..who does?” That was the end of our last session….three days ago. If I don’t know….who does? That has haunted me for the last three days….and the answer in my mind….is nobody….if I don’t know…and I can’t honestly answer the question that he asked (which I am not ready to share here) then nobody knows the answer. Why? Because the answer lies somewhere within me….somewhere within me lies the answer to this question….and the thing I have to decide is if I am ready to go to that place…unlock that door and see the answer. Am I ready to face that truth that I know will be so painful and so telling that once that door is finally opened I don’t know if I will be able or want to close it again.

In my mind I have a picture of a long dark hallway…with many doors on all sides. I have an old key in my hand and I know that it will only fit one door…the one door with the answer behind it. I am walking down this long dark hallway, doors of cherry wood stained with details carved into them. I know which door has the answer, I know which door the key belongs to, but I try it on all the other doors first hoping…..praying….that a happier answer lies behind one of them. Try as I might the key goes into the lock but will not turn it….will not budge…and now I am standing in front of the only door left….the only door in which I have yet to put that key…..to turn the lock and open the door to what…my freedom….my end….my future….

The thing is that opening this door does nothing for me unless I am willing to accept what is inside it. The funny part is that I already know what it contains….I know what the answer is……I know it without having to open it…..but the problem….the problem is that without opening it I can’t face it. I can’t face what I know is there….

Six years ago my divorce to my first husband was well under way. In fact in about three months it will mark six years in which we were divorced. I swore that never again would I put myself or my children through that agony again. I swore that the next time I would be smarter, wiser and more willing to make it work. One year after my divorce was final I was re-married. I know now that was a stupid move. I should have never been dating and the thing is I didn’t DATE. I found one guy who told me I was beautiful, smart, funny and instead of believing it myself….I let him make me feel good…I put my trust in him that he would give me happiness…..I wasn’t ready to believe those things myself….I needed someone else to tell me those things….over and over and over again. I needed someone else to tell me I was worthy of anything….love….flattery…jealously…anything

I had lived with parents who ultimately loved me, but only really showed it when I was successful. I lived with a mother who encouraged me to do what she thought was right for my life, rather than learning for myself what I wanted in life. That is part of the reason I was attracted to my ex…..he was in charge….he had control….he kept telling me what I needed to do in my life…..and once he was out of my life and had told me I was unlovable and unworthy….I believed him….I wanted someone around to tell me that was not the truth. I wanted someone to make me feel good to make me feel like I was worth something. Instead of looking inside and finding the strength I now know is there I brought someone else in to make it better….to fix what was broken. The thing is they couldn't fix it....only treat the symptom not the problem. Now, I am finally ready to see myself as others have told me I am for so long……I know that I am strong, I know that I am worthy and I know that I am able to survive on my own…….the question….the question that lingers….with the answer behind the door …..am I ready to face it….

Not today.

Girl Scout Cookie Time

There is a time of year in which I over indulge. It is not Christmas, Thanksgiving or New Years….it is every year when the little cookies in green boxes show up outside the shopping centers. Yes, the coveted little green boxes filled with chocolate gold. Girl Scout cookies are my favorite cookies….Then mints to be more exact. OMG, is there anything else more perfect in the world than a little thin cookie covered in chocolate.

Usually I have at least 3-4 little girls come to my house to sell cookies, but this year not one came. I waited and even hoped that at least one would come. However, nothing. Then one days last weekend as I was walking out of the grocery store I saw the Holy Grail of snacks…..a card table full of samoas, thin mints, and tagalongs….OMG I was literally in Heaven. As I dug in my purse for $20 for five boxes of the most great snacks on earth I thought about how only once a year this event comes along. How for two weeks every February we all get the lucky break of buying snacks from little girls in green uniforms asking “Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?” How can you resist that?

So every year I end up with about 10 or more boxes and slowly eat (devour) them. This is the one time a year I over indulge. I usually don’t over eat during the holidays…nor do I really over eat any other time of the year….but during this time of the year I usually gain at least 2-5 lbs.

So tell me…what is your favorite cookie!

Priceless

OMG as if my life couldn’t get any more crazy I now have a $1400 bill to pay in the next twelve months….for what you may ask. A new washing machine. The machine itself was not that expensive, but add on delivery, warranty and a matching dryer (come on they have to match) and you get $1400. Then yesterday afternoon our air conditioning unit starts to make some really awful noises….so I call the air place and LUCKY ME they have a tech in MY area. That is never ever a good sign.

So Mr. Beautiful teeth comes and looks at the unit…tap here tap there….crawl in my attic….well miss I hate to tell you this but your unit is about to bite the dust….Excuse me…it is only (1, 2, 3 carry the one) seven years old. I guess in AZ that is like ancient and I guess about the life of a air unit…and in AZ you can not have your air going out in the middle of April because you will be checking into the local hotel for relief from the heat.

So lucky me, they have a “special” running right now. I guess the special is that they will order and install the unit and the special part is ……you get air conditioning….wow…sign me up! Actually it was no interest no payments for a year…OK seeing as a new unit runs between $3-7 grand for the unit alone not including installation and add to that the $1400 that I already spent on new appliances I have now racked up about $5000 to $8000 worth of debt in one day….that is a new record for me…hell it is probably a record for most people.

I am thinking about sending the dryer back because the one I have is really OK, but in the sceme of things it is not really a huge part of the over all bill. I mean I think it was only $300…so I am probably going to keep it. But want to talk about a shocker last night looking at the paperwork for all the different things that have happened the last two days and think OMG I love my house, but I really really really hate home repairs.

Add to this the fact that I have a arcadia door that needs to be replaced, a termite treatment plan that needs to be updated and a daughter that wants her room redecorated. I guess about the time you think you are going to be getting ahead you just get beat down with one thing or another……

Oh well, what to do…life is life and all you can do is live it and learn and enjoy it….or not!

Blahg

Yes that is how I am feeling today…..blahg! Offically enter my world. The world where washing machines are broken, laundry is piled high and nobody in the house knows how to do a load of dishes that have been in sink since Monday. Nobody but ME that is. Me who comes home from work last night, tired, exhausted actually, feverish, sore and did I mention sick to piles of laundry, a washer that won’t start (thank God tomorrow the repair man comes) and my kids jumping up and down wanting to know what’s for dinner. You know what they got…..Taco Bell. Now usually I won’t feed my kids stuff like this, but they had been asking for it all week long…so WTF let them have it…..I don’t have to cook or do dishes…BONUS!

So I get home from getting Taco Bell and I see that the dishes are piled high with stuck on food and crap that I am not even sure we had in our house, but somehow it made its way into my kitchen. Scrub Scrub Scrub….hearing American Idol starting in the background….nobody notices the lady up to her elbows in bubbles and spaghetti noodles….Laughing commenting on what is happening….me….still scrubbing…

After that is all said and done I take a shower put on my PJ’s and head to bed. I don’t say good night, don’t tuck anyone in…I just did three days worth of dishes in 20 minutes with a fever too boot….get over not having a bedtime story or bedtime bath for that matter.

Needless to say I was regretting that decision this morning. The kids stayed up way later than they should have, they both smelled of some foul odor that I am sure I could identify if I had the stomach to get any closer….but would not do. The fights began there and went something like this

“Mom, she won’t eat her breakfast!”
“Mom, she said a bad word”
“Mom, she won’t let me into the fridge!”
“Mom, she just hit me!”

My reply to all of this…shut the F**K UP! Get dressed now…stop touching her…or so help me I will give you something to cry about…..

This began my day!