Can’t seem to write lately…..

I don't know what is going on with me lately, but I just can’t seem to get in the groove of writing. I just sit at my computer staring at the blank Word program thinking eventually something interesting will come to my mind. I sometimes think about writing about what is going on in my life, but there are so many things that I just don’t feel it is right to put on the internet for all the world to see. However, I do know that once I write about things I usually feel better and can make a more level headed decision based on what I have written because in black and white on a computer screen all the issues are laid out for you to see. Do you do this or do you do that decisions seem a lot easier to make once all the fact and “figures” are on a piece of paper.

Recently I posted about the state of my personal life. There are so many things going through my head right now about what to do about things. I have finally been able to be really honest with myself and understand that NO one person can make me happy in my life….that is my job. My job is to make myself happy and if in the process I can find someone to share that with then that is a bonus. The problem I am still facing is if the person that is here in my life now is the person I WANT to share it with for the long haul.

I recently started seeing a counselor again, without anybody (except those who are reading this now) knowing about it. I have done this in the past and gone to talk to someone about different things that were going on in my life. About 3 ½ years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I didn’t realize that you could have both of those things going on in the same brain, but apparently they feed off each other. So, I did two things back then….I started talking to someone about what was causing these issues and I went on an anti-depressant. I grew up in a home where taking any kind of mind altering drug was looked down upon and where going to talk to a “shrink” about your problems made you crazy. I remember my aunt (who married into our family by way of my uncle) truly believed in the art of psychology. She would go and see a counselor several times a year just to get things in her mind straight. Ultimately, when her marriage to my uncle ended he used it against her to gain custody of the kids and to keep her from getting any of the marital assets that she had helped to contribute. I truly believe that their marriage was doomed from the beginning. He really didn’t love her and had a wondering eye, she was insecure and grew up unloved and just wanted someone to love her and make her feel worthy of that love.

Unfortunately, for the two of them life had other plans and they divorced 2 years before my marriage ended. I see myself in her sometimes. I relate to how she must have felt in a loveless marriage…trying to do everything in your power to make it work make it survive, but in the end realizing that one person working on a bridge alone would not make it complete. It takes two people to make it work and more importantly it takes two willing parties to make it work….having only one willing party may make it last longer, but ultimately if the other person doesn’t want it then no amount of therapy, date nights or alone time will fix it.

My counselor recently asked me a very important question to which I replied I don’t know. To which he returned my answer with silence….a silence that seemed to last forever. I felt uncomfortable in that silence with that “I don’t know” hanging there between us…..finally he said “If you don’t know…..who does?” That was the end of our last session….three days ago. If I don’t know….who does? That has haunted me for the last three days….and the answer in my mind….is nobody….if I don’t know…and I can’t honestly answer the question that he asked (which I am not ready to share here) then nobody knows the answer. Why? Because the answer lies somewhere within me….somewhere within me lies the answer to this question….and the thing I have to decide is if I am ready to go to that place…unlock that door and see the answer. Am I ready to face that truth that I know will be so painful and so telling that once that door is finally opened I don’t know if I will be able or want to close it again.

In my mind I have a picture of a long dark hallway…with many doors on all sides. I have an old key in my hand and I know that it will only fit one door…the one door with the answer behind it. I am walking down this long dark hallway, doors of cherry wood stained with details carved into them. I know which door has the answer, I know which door the key belongs to, but I try it on all the other doors first hoping…..praying….that a happier answer lies behind one of them. Try as I might the key goes into the lock but will not turn it….will not budge…and now I am standing in front of the only door left….the only door in which I have yet to put that key…..to turn the lock and open the door to what…my freedom….my end….my future….

The thing is that opening this door does nothing for me unless I am willing to accept what is inside it. The funny part is that I already know what it contains….I know what the answer is……I know it without having to open it…..but the problem….the problem is that without opening it I can’t face it. I can’t face what I know is there….

Six years ago my divorce to my first husband was well under way. In fact in about three months it will mark six years in which we were divorced. I swore that never again would I put myself or my children through that agony again. I swore that the next time I would be smarter, wiser and more willing to make it work. One year after my divorce was final I was re-married. I know now that was a stupid move. I should have never been dating and the thing is I didn’t DATE. I found one guy who told me I was beautiful, smart, funny and instead of believing it myself….I let him make me feel good…I put my trust in him that he would give me happiness…..I wasn’t ready to believe those things myself….I needed someone else to tell me those things….over and over and over again. I needed someone else to tell me I was worthy of anything….love….flattery…jealously…anything

I had lived with parents who ultimately loved me, but only really showed it when I was successful. I lived with a mother who encouraged me to do what she thought was right for my life, rather than learning for myself what I wanted in life. That is part of the reason I was attracted to my ex…..he was in charge….he had control….he kept telling me what I needed to do in my life…..and once he was out of my life and had told me I was unlovable and unworthy….I believed him….I wanted someone around to tell me that was not the truth. I wanted someone to make me feel good to make me feel like I was worth something. Instead of looking inside and finding the strength I now know is there I brought someone else in to make it better….to fix what was broken. The thing is they couldn't fix it....only treat the symptom not the problem. Now, I am finally ready to see myself as others have told me I am for so long……I know that I am strong, I know that I am worthy and I know that I am able to survive on my own…….the question….the question that lingers….with the answer behind the door …..am I ready to face it….

Not today.