So last night was a huge fight night. It was not boxing on TV or even a fight on a sitcom…it was real and it was at my house and it was bad.
I tend to have mother bear instincts. You come down on my kids or you correct my kids out of turn and I will jump on your ass faster than you can turn around. It doesn’t matter if you are my spouse, my significant other, my ex, my parents, my friend or even someone I trust completely. NOBODY comes down on my kids except me and only when I feel it is right.
I know this is a flaw in my genetic makeup…my mother was/is the same way, my grandmother will rip your face off if you so much as look at her kids cross-eyed and my great grandmother was a pistol until she died at the age of 95. All the women in my family are highly sensitive to what happens to our kids, so it is no surprise that I struggle with the whole step-parent issue.
I have issues with my spouse being a step-parent and my ex’s wife being a step-parent. I have issues when either of them discipline my kids and it is becoming more and more of an issue in my marriage especially with everything else that is going on between us. Last night was especially bad. I am not saying that my kids are perfect….far from it, but you don’t yell back at them….and yes…I was probably wrong, but here is what happened.
As you all know there have been some significant problems in my marriage of late and that has led to both of us being very on edge around each other. We are each much more sensitive to what is said/done and each of us has shorter fuses than we normally would. Something was said to my oldest kid by my spouse last night and instead of her just doing what he asked she mouthed off (not right I know) he immediately yelled back to which she yelled back to which I yelled shut up both of you. Yes, I stepped in, yes I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but the tone of his voice and the way he talked to her immediately had my MAMA BEAR instincts on fire. He came and gave me a go to hell look to which I replied you look at me like that again and I will knock that look off your face.
Fast forward two hours, I have a meeting that I have to go to and I take both kids. Not because I want to and not because I don’t trust him with them, but because I wanted to make sure that I didn’t come home to a huge brawl. I go and I do what needs to be done, put on a happy face for those around me, laugh at all the right times and superficially get involved in the discussion. I head back home, get the kids off to bed and go to find my spouse…who proceeds to lecture AT me for another 45 minutes. At one point he asked me if I wanted a DIVORCE….that was my chance, but I didn’t take it….why? Because I am not ready for that…and I didn’t want to say it in a moment of anger…..
When I cry I get all red nosed (hello Rudolph) and runny nosed and my eyes swell up. It is not a pretty sight, but I usually recover fairly quickly. However last night I had all I could take….I got my pillow and my blanket and went to the couch…thankfully I have slept on it before and I quite enjoy it….but sleep would not come…demons and thoughts haunted my mind.
What to do what to do….do I still love him…that is not a question I can answer right now I thought. I don’t know what I want to do….I can’t make such an important decision based on the fact that I am angry now….and then what if he leaves and I realize that this is not what I wanted….or he leaves and I finally feel relief…
I know that this clash was just a symptom of a bigger problem…a problem bigger than what he and I can handle together….he wants to go to counseling together…and I want to continue to go alone….I don’t trust what I will say to him in front of another person….I just don’t know what to do anymore….
Can someone come and take over my life for the next six months….make all the hard choices and let me know the outcome….Thanks! I’m taking applications via my comments…
I tend to have mother bear instincts. You come down on my kids or you correct my kids out of turn and I will jump on your ass faster than you can turn around. It doesn’t matter if you are my spouse, my significant other, my ex, my parents, my friend or even someone I trust completely. NOBODY comes down on my kids except me and only when I feel it is right.
I know this is a flaw in my genetic makeup…my mother was/is the same way, my grandmother will rip your face off if you so much as look at her kids cross-eyed and my great grandmother was a pistol until she died at the age of 95. All the women in my family are highly sensitive to what happens to our kids, so it is no surprise that I struggle with the whole step-parent issue.
I have issues with my spouse being a step-parent and my ex’s wife being a step-parent. I have issues when either of them discipline my kids and it is becoming more and more of an issue in my marriage especially with everything else that is going on between us. Last night was especially bad. I am not saying that my kids are perfect….far from it, but you don’t yell back at them….and yes…I was probably wrong, but here is what happened.
As you all know there have been some significant problems in my marriage of late and that has led to both of us being very on edge around each other. We are each much more sensitive to what is said/done and each of us has shorter fuses than we normally would. Something was said to my oldest kid by my spouse last night and instead of her just doing what he asked she mouthed off (not right I know) he immediately yelled back to which she yelled back to which I yelled shut up both of you. Yes, I stepped in, yes I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but the tone of his voice and the way he talked to her immediately had my MAMA BEAR instincts on fire. He came and gave me a go to hell look to which I replied you look at me like that again and I will knock that look off your face.
Fast forward two hours, I have a meeting that I have to go to and I take both kids. Not because I want to and not because I don’t trust him with them, but because I wanted to make sure that I didn’t come home to a huge brawl. I go and I do what needs to be done, put on a happy face for those around me, laugh at all the right times and superficially get involved in the discussion. I head back home, get the kids off to bed and go to find my spouse…who proceeds to lecture AT me for another 45 minutes. At one point he asked me if I wanted a DIVORCE….that was my chance, but I didn’t take it….why? Because I am not ready for that…and I didn’t want to say it in a moment of anger…..
When I cry I get all red nosed (hello Rudolph) and runny nosed and my eyes swell up. It is not a pretty sight, but I usually recover fairly quickly. However last night I had all I could take….I got my pillow and my blanket and went to the couch…thankfully I have slept on it before and I quite enjoy it….but sleep would not come…demons and thoughts haunted my mind.
What to do what to do….do I still love him…that is not a question I can answer right now I thought. I don’t know what I want to do….I can’t make such an important decision based on the fact that I am angry now….and then what if he leaves and I realize that this is not what I wanted….or he leaves and I finally feel relief…
I know that this clash was just a symptom of a bigger problem…a problem bigger than what he and I can handle together….he wants to go to counseling together…and I want to continue to go alone….I don’t trust what I will say to him in front of another person….I just don’t know what to do anymore….
Can someone come and take over my life for the next six months….make all the hard choices and let me know the outcome….Thanks! I’m taking applications via my comments…
2 comments:
A nasty situation....
I think you made the right choice by putting a decision on hold because you were angry.
Other than that...
Good luck
Lisa, I do know that we make foolish decision when we are angry and glad that you did not.
Put this step-parent issue asides, first of all, ask yourself do you see yourself growing old with this man? When the kids are all grown-up you would have to live with each other.
Next perhaps you could consider going to see the counsellor together since he suggested it and see how much the session flows.
With that it could also means communicate to each other about the kind of parenting style each of you expect too.
I was like you too Lisa, this protective instinct within me each time my hubby scolded my kids when they were still babies and it resulted in a very bad relationship between us. IT gets better now coz we do not disagree with each other in front of the children whenever one of us discipline them.
In this way, the kids would not be confuse by our difference of opinion and it also allows them to respect both parents too.
I hope it helps Lisa and cool down and re-think your priorties. If you love this man to want to give up on him, patch up and work on the marriage. Together, hand-in-hand bring up the children in a cordial loving environment....your kids would be a happy child.
Sorry for a lenthy comments.
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