When someone has given you a diagnoses of Depression brought on by Anxiety it can feel like the end of the world. It can feel like you are worthless and broken. I think that is how I feel right now. I feel worthless and broken. I feel like something inside of me needs to be fixed because of all the things that are happening in my life right now…I am the only common denominator. I am the only common link…..so what to do now.I have gone back to the counselor and asked them about this…about how I can live knowing that I will end up in a deep dark hole every so often and how my anxiety will contribute to that cycle. I have to say that this time it is not as bad….this time the depression and the darkness are not as deep not as dark….but they are still there….a little hand holding shut the window not allowing any sunlight to invade this tiny dark space of my brain.
Depression and Anxiety….they go hand in hand for some of us….for other their brains can handle the over load of emotions and sort them in to nice little categories or boxes to be dealt with systematically….should I buy Johnny blue shoes or brown shoes…a year ago this question would have sent me into a tail spin….now I just get whatever fits….but other things are starting to affect my life…things outside of my control….the way the people around me drive, the fact that I can’t stand to sit in a public place with others around…afraid that they will see and judge me for what is broken inside….the way that everyone in my office can sit quietly in their office…the clicking of keys the answering of phones…and inside my brain is screaming for the noises to stop…I am wanting to rail against everything that is sane in my brain…to run screaming from the building to make the pain stop….
I sit here in the quiet of my office with my door closed just to be able to listen to complete silence….am I broken…is something inside of my severely flawed or am I just human…going through emotional turmoil….waiting for the depression to end…the desert to be quenched….or is there a bigger problem here….
All I know for sure….I need this to end…I need peace….
4 comments:
hi.
Im new to blogger. I hope in not being annoying by commenting. but i have depression myself and have been hospitalized once. I can understand how hard it is. Even though you probably dont want to hear that, I know i hate it when people say they understand.
Chin up Lisa! You are young and attractive and take stock of what you have and not continue to be dragged deeper and deeper into your depression.
You want some peace & quiet, do not channel your energy into every negative aspect of your life right now. Re-channel and re-focus them in the positive manner, think of your kids, they need you most and care for your well-being my dear friend.
You can do it, just DO it and don't feel sorry about yourself but tell yourself, you just want to be a happy independent woman. Wishing you well dear pal, chin up!
((((BIG HUGS!!))))
I'm so sorry you feel this way :( If there is anything I can do please let me know, even if it just to listen.
I'm sorry you are going through a tough time right now.
I hope things will begin to get better soon.
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