My grandmother

One little thing that I had loved for doing for so long and I stopped – I don’t know why – I guess I just wasn’t feeling up to it and walked away. Plus the fact that the IT department at my new job loves nothing better than to look at everything that is done via an IP address has made me a little nervous to post anything in my blog. Now does that mean that I shouldn’t have tried to at least make some sort of effort over the past 14 months to keep it going – that is just wrong – but overall – I’m glad to be back. I have to say my life is probably more interesting now.

It’s hard to believe that it has been almost a month since my grandmother passed away. She left this world for a better place on February 16. She was my mother’s mother and was probably the one grandparent that I was closest to growing up. She is the one that I used to call at least once a week to check on her and my grandfather and tried like hell to let them know that I still cared. I was lucky because was able to have one final call with her before she passed and it was a good one and that will be one memory that I will hold with me forever. I’m not sure the other grandchildren can say that. She left this world with 4 children, 10 grandchildren and 24 great grandchildren at the age of 81.

Now before you go and say she lived a long life and probably had tales to tell – which I know is true – she was still my grandmother – someone I loved and admired beyond words and simple gestures. She never judged me and she always loved me even when I screwed up – which is what grandmothers are supposed to do – however it never matters how old they are or how frail they become – you want them to last forever. You come to believe that even though they are getting older and there are more and more ailments – they will over come these and somehow pull through.

My grandmother went to the hospital about 6 weeks ago complaining of chest pains and other issues. They couldn’t tell us what was wrong with her – they ran tests and the best they could come up with was congestive heart failure. I think that is generally vague term that doctors use when they don’t know what the hell else is wrong. We found out later that her heart was beating harder than it needed to and was basically overworked – but through all of that we still couldn’t get a definite answer as to what was wrong.

I have to say that for the most part I’ve found peace with all that has happened. I was able to say a somewhat goodbye on the phone and I know she loved me and I pray that she knew that I loved her. I still have my moments when I want to pick up the phone and call her – but I can’t – she will no longer answer and tell me that she is just at the house alone and that grandfather went to the store with my aunt to give her some peace. I pray that she is with angels now – making them laugh and filling heaven with her laughter – that could make anyone smile regardless of your mood. She laughed with her whole body and was not afraid to simply show love. I pray to become the woman she was and in some way honor her for all that she showed me growing up. I pray that my children will see how they are a reflection of her and that they will aim to be a better person just to be able to say that their great-grandmother showed them how to handle themselves.

We are not perfect people. If I was perfect I would have visited more and stood up to those who say hurtful things less – but I didn’t and I have to live with that – however at the end of the day I can say that I was loved – unconditionally – by the one person who should show you that kind of love – my grandmother.