Thank you all so much

The darkness has left the building...or at least it has let in some sunshine. I want to Thank all of you who sent me nice emails and comments. It was nice to read the encouraging words and scriptures that were sent to me during this time.

Just an FYI on the whole depression/anxiety issue that I have. About a year and half ago I was having some major issues with my ex-husband. He was threatening me with custody of our children and basically bulling me into doing what he wanted. He always seemed to do this during the times the children were at his house therefore sending my anxiety into totally overload because I was so afraid that he would not bring them home. It didn't matter how much my parents, family or husband told me these were crazy thoughts they were still there.

Anyway, through the encouragement of my husband and a dear friend I went to see a counselor. She did an initial walk through and told me that she thought I had anxiety....(Ya Think!)...anyway she starting explaining to me how our bodies and minds work and how we deal with stress/anxiety and how everyone is different. She asked a lot of questions and basically told me that I was not crazy (YEAH!) and that it was OK for me to be having these reactions. Within a few sessions with her we were able to pin point what my triggers were...Work, Ex-Husband, and Fear of Losing my kids. Well, she asked if I would be willing to try an antidepressants to help level out the chemicals in my brain. Now I come from a family that does not believe that these types of things help, in fact if my parents knew that I went to counseling I would be shamed for it. Therefore, they still don't know. I asked a lot of questions and did a lot of research before agreeing to trying something. I was put on Zoloft and it was great, but I didn't want to be on it forever,

About 8 months into my counseling my therapist said that she felt I was OK to move on by myself. She gave me some great tools and things to use to manage my stress, but the whole issues of when to stop the Zoloft was not discussed. Right before the end of the year I went in for my yearly physical and talked to my doctor about the Zoloft. He said that I should talk to my counselor and see what she says, but if I felt things were going well that I should be able to wing myself off in a few months. Ok, so I go to see her and she gave me instructions on how to wing myself off. So right after the beginning of the year I started the process.

Well, here I am three months into the beginning of 2006 and feeling like I was once again losing my mind. My issue is not so much with depression itself...it is with anxiety. You see what I do is I worry, and worry, and worry and then....worry some more. By doing this, I send signals to my body that there is stress in my life that isn't really there. Then my brain starts to over produce chemicals that try and stabilize the moods/feelings. Then I crash...like I am on a drug or something. I come down off that high and just hit bottom and usually lurk in the darkness for about a week or so before I re-emerge into the light. Well, coming off the Zoloft has put me in a state of mind that I was scared of what would happen when I was done taking them. I started the whole worry process over again.

Anyway, I was also afraid of becoming the person I was before the drugs. I used to yell and scream at my kids and my husband. Then the guilt of doing that would send me into another cycle. My kids and my hubby (God Bless Them) were great and understanding, but I kept feeling like I was a bad Mom and Wife. That was also part of the reason I went to counseling. So here I am 18 months later and winged off Zoloft and I was fearful of becoming the person I was before.

I went to see my counselor this last week and she gave me some great relaxation ideas and techniques and told me not to be afraid of this transition. So, I am still a work in progress, but at least I am working through it.

Sorry for such a long read...once I started telling the story...it was hard to stop.

Thanks again----
Latibug