Longest Post Ever....Dealing with past issues

Nothing is routine. Nothing about my life is the same day in and day out. Most people would find that to be a good thing, but me I sometimes wish that one day would meld into the next with a blink of an eye. However, my life is not set up that way. Nothing about my life is routine. If you were to observe a day in my life you might disagree and say that my life is very structured and held together by routine or planning. That is the portrait I show to the world that I have everything under control, however, the last year of my life has felt completely out of my control. Why you ask…(or maybe you don’t and I just want you to).

A year ago next week I will have started my job I am at now after a month long job search which led me to a couple of temp positions and also a couple of other job offers. Becoming jobless was not my choice; I was forced into it by my superiors at my last company. I have not written about this until now because I felt such shame and guilt for what happened. I know now that I was not completely to blame, but I was not completely faultless either. This post may run some of you off from my blog, but this is an issue that I deal with on a daily basis in my head, just like I replay my failed marriage in my head. You do not need to condemn me in comments or emails, you are free do say whatever you like, but believe me when I say that I beat myself up enough in a daily basis that I don’t need help from anyone else.

About 14 months ago, I had taken some vacation time because my parents had come to AZ to visit my family. I had plenty of time left and could afford to take the time, so I took it. It was a great few days with my parents and the kids really had a great time. It was a great time for them to come because I was able to go on a job interview (for the job I have now) while they were in town and the kids were able to stay with them instead of going to boring daycare. I went to bed the night before I was to go back to my then current job with a feeling of excitement. In a few short days I could be getting the call to start a new job. A job in a small company working for people of character and integrity. A company that believed in its employees and wanted to see you succeed. I was also thinking/dreaming of how good it would feel to go to my current boss’s office and quit. Too be honest, that was probably the last good night of sleep I had in the last fourteen month. Little did I know what was to come over the next two days!

The next morning as I got up and got dressed I was still floating on the energy of the interview I had been on the day before. I was so happy and I was able to see my parents off and take the girls to summer camp. I had a fresh step in my walk and I was genuinely happy to be alive. I walked into my job and went to my desk. I booted up my computer and got ready to dive into a pile of work that had accumulated since I had been gone. I was excited to see those people that I had not seen in a week and to just get up to date on things. I had been at my desk no longer than 30 minutes when my boss came to me and asked me to come to his office. I said “OK, one sec, I need to just get the programs booted up on my computer.” He said “Don’t bother, come to my office now.” I knew in the pit of my stomach that something bad was going to happen.

I stepped into his office and he closed the door. His office was along an inner corridor and had no windows. I am not good in small spaces and especially when I feel backed into a corner. So when a man who never shuts his door, shuts his door you know it is not good. “Are you looking for a new job?” he asked. Just plain out asked. I was a little taken back by his question. I could have lied and said “No” but I felt there was more to this inquiry than just his curiosity about whether I was looking for new employment. I played it safe and asked “Why do you ask?”

He replies “I have three emails from two of your direct reports showing job opportunities outside our company? Did you send XXX and YYY these job listings?”

Immediately I feel all the color run out of my face. Betrayed by those who I thought I could trust. I could have lied again, but the evidence was there the emails in black and white in front of me. “Yes, I did. I sent XXX and YYY emails because they had let me know that they were looking for employment elsewhere. In addition, they sent me job listings also.”

“I don’t like this behavior at all. I do not feel good having an employee like you in my department. I’m not sure what I am going to do about this.” He states.

“Am I in jeopardy of losing my job over this?” I ask

“I don’t know. I have to talk to HR about this issue. Your instructions are to go home for the rest of the day. Get what you need from your desk, leave your personal possessions and go home.” He says.

“I want you to know that I didn’t mean any harm with these emails. I had staff that was unhappy, a company/department that was unwilling to support me in making changes to keep the staff happy. I felt that if they were looking and I was looking it did not hurt to keep each other in mind. In addition, 4 of your other staff are currently looking also and one has a job offer that he is really considering. I understand your sense of betrayal, but maybe the bigger picture here is that 50% of the staff in this department is new and the other half is looking for new jobs.” I said.

“Do you realize that if you and your staff had all gotten jobs based on these (points at emails) job postings that I could have lost my whole AAA department at once? Did you care about the position you would put the company in if the entire AAA department was gone in a matter of days? How did you think I would react to this news?” He asked.

“To be honest, I really never thought you would find out. I thought that those that had come to me would stand by me and visa versa when the time came. I never thought it would come to this. I would never just walk out on a job like that. I have always given ample notice, however, that doesn’t seem to be what is bothering you. I’ll get my things and go. What should I do about work tomorrow?” I asked

“I’ll call you later today and let you know what the situation is. I’m very disappointed in you. I really never thought you could do something like this.” He stated.

I ended up going back to my desk, shutting down my computer, getting my personal files from my desk, grabbed my purse, lunch and cell phone and left. As I was walking out I saw a friend of mine and told her that I needed her to walk me to my car. I told her everything and she prayed with me. She kept telling me it would be alright and not to worry.

I went home and called my husband who was great and understanding, but at the same time said that he thought what I did was not right, but that he didn’t think I would get fired. I fretted all day long, paced the floor, cleaned my house, and prepared my resume. I had made a decision that whether or not they took the job from me I was going to resign. I put my resume out on the web, called a few agencies and prayed a lot. I knew what was coming and I knew the only way to get through it was with the help of God.

About 4 pm that afternoon my boss called “Come in tomorrow at 9 a.m., not before, come straight to my office and don’t talk to anyone.”

“OK.” I hung up.

That night was the most fretful sleep I had ever had. Nightmares of big dragons swallowing me whole, I kept falling off the same cliff, but didn’t hit the bottom. I tossed and turned and finally at 6 am I decided that I needed to write my resignation letter. I kept it short and to the point. I put on my big girl panties and went to the office at 9 am.

I went to my bosses office and sat down across from him waiting for the words that I knew would come. I waited and he said nothing, and I waited some more and still he said nothing. I finally asked “What is going on here? You asked me to be here at 9 am and I am here, so can you please tell me what is going on?”

He said “I’m waiting for two others to show up.”

“Oh, OK.” I said.

Finally the two other participants made it to the meeting. A representative from HR and my boss’s boss. I knew it was bad. They came in and shut the door. I was sitting by the wall and felt trapped because I was not close to any sort of exit. The HR rep pointed to my boss and said “Please begin.”

My boss starts “We are here because you sent out emails of job opportunities outside the company to those to work below you. You violated my trust and the trust of the company.”

I stopped him “I know why I’m here. I know what I have done. I also know that I am the only one here that is rooting for me. Can we just get down to what the final decision is?”

He was taken aback. I could tell he wanted to re-tell the whole story so that I would know once and for all that all three of them thought of me as scum of the earth. He finally said “OK. I think in light of the situation and the fact that you have totally beating down the morale of the department, your employment should end.”

I asked “Can I say something in my defense?”

The HR rep said “Sure, go ahead.”

I start “I knew that this was the decision that was going to be made. Something in my mind told me that I would never again set foot in this building as an employee of this company. However, before I get the walking paper that I know is in your hand (pointing to HR rep) I would like to say that I alone did not beat down the morale in this department. It has been low since before I got here. Upper management does not recognize the issues and the fact that 50% of the department has been here less than 3 months and the other half is looking for jobs, which I have not sent them, should tell each of you very clearly that there is more on an issue here than me forwarding job opportunities onto other employees. Having said that, I am not going to defend what I did. I’m not admitting that it was right or wrong, but I am willing to give my resignation effective immediately. I will sign whatever papers I need to sign and we can call it a clean break. The only thing I ask is that my employment record shows it was a voluntary termination.”

All three looked back at me with jaws to the floor. Then the HR rep said “I believe that is fair. We are also willing to pay you through the end of the month. All you have to do is sign here.”

I said “I don’t want the payment, I don’t want the money. Please just give me the paperwork and I’ll sign now. In addition, I would appreciate it if I could clean out my personal belongings without having someone over my shoulder. I would be happy to have the boxes searched before I leave, but I do not want to have to hurry and do this.”

Fine by them. I signed the papers, got my copy and went to my cubicle. I got three paper boxes and filled them up with the pics of my kids, and other personal belongings. I called my friend who I had seen the day before and asked her to help me carry them to my car. She came down and I went to my boss’s boss office and asked if he would like to go through the boxes to ensure I was not taking anything vital?

He asked me to step in and shut the door. “I really hate that it came to this. I don’t think it is fair, but I have to respect the decision that has been made.” He said.

I looked awestruck. I asked “If you didn’t agree with the decision, then why did you allow it to happen? You are XXX’s boss and have the ability to override his decisions. By allowing him to get rid of me you have basically given him the power to get rid of anyone who does not fit his needs.”

“I think that you have got your stuff. Your friend can walk you out to your car. Please give her your badge when you go.” He stated.

I left, without another word. I felt relieved and betrayed and hurt. I am still dealing with this stuff today.

Not a day goes by that I don’t relive some part of that day in my mind. Just like not a day goes by that I don’t relive the death of my first love by a car accident. That is why nothing in my life is routine. Nothing is calm. Nothing is easy. All the things I do to make it look under control and in order are just covering up what is really happening inside my head which is screaming out for someone to listen.

Since this incident I have found a new job at a place I really love. The whole last year has been about healing for me. Healing from so many hurts in my past, my divorce, my relationship with my mother/father, my loss of my first job, and the over all sense of failure that I wake up with nagging at me on a daily basis. I know that I will never completely get rid of this fear of failure, nor will I ever get rid of the nagging voice in my head saying that I can’t do it. I do know that now I have the power to ignore that voice, but so many days that voice wins and I belittle myself.

My prayer: That my kids don’t grow up like me. That they are better adjusted than I am. That they are able to see the good in themselves despite what others think about them.

Sorry for the long post, but I have needed to deal with this for a while. Thanks for listening.