Another Day Another Blog Entry

I had good intentions of blogging this weekend. I had intentions of telling about what my DH and I did on Friday night. I had intentions of posting something for Father’s Day so that I could say a lot of wonderful things about my Dad and my DH. Alas, I did not do either of these things. I did not post about Friday Night Date Night. I did not post about the wonderful things I remember about my Dad growing up. So, what did I do you ask? Nothing, I did absolutely nothing all weekend. I am sure that if I were to sum up my weekend most of you would say …well you did do something, but nothing of notable importance. I didn’t do anything that will change the world. I sat and watched movies, I read part of a book, I watched more movies, I slept, I waited on pins and needles for my kids to come home from their Dad’s house…and I did nothing.

Sometimes I wonder if I should still blog. Is there any reason to it? Does anybody out there find my writings of interest? Especially when I am depressed as I am now. I don’t know why I am depressed, but I just am. I think that I may be going into some sort of down swing. I just don’t feel like myself and even if I did, I’m not sure that I could explain exactly what is up with me not wanting to connect with people.

I guess it comes down to I am out here on Blogger everyday. I read the great things that people write about. I read about what others are doing with their life and I look at mine and say…”So What!” What is so great about this life that I would actually have something to say that people want to read? I am addicted to reading about other people’s lives. I love going out on the blogs and just reading about what others have done that day or that week.

I like to read about their lives they are leading and what they are doing. It reminds me of when I was little and I used to walk around my grandparents neighborhood at night. For just a moment in passing each house you get a glimpse of their kitchen, living room or family room. You see for a second what their life is like for a moment. You get images in your head of what it would be like to sit in that chair or eat at that table.

Then you eventually go back to your life and know that when someone walks by your window they are not going to see anything interesting. They will see the TV on or the kids playing in the living room and you staring blankly at them while feeling guilty that you are not a good enough mother. You need to take more time to be with them. You walk by your kids’ rooms to realize that they fell asleep while you were taking a shower. The feeling of guilt when you see them getting ready in the morning and realize that one day they are going to leave and you will miss them terribly. Did you teach them all that you could teach them? Are they ready to make the right decisions? Did you take enough pictures to remind you of the special things that will be important in the years to come? Do you have the stories of the things they did in your mind so that you can re-tell them when they want to know?

Maybe depression is not the right word for what I am feeling right now. Maybe guilt is more of the right way to express what I am going through.

It has been almost a week since my last blog entry and do you know what the best time of the last seven days has been? It wasn’t the great date night on Friday with DH, nor was it the great nap I took on Sunday. It was yesterday when my oldest daughter and I went to the gym and played Dance Dance Revolution for 45 minutes. We laughed and high fived each other and had a great time. For 45 minutes she and I connected in a way that I don’t think we have since her Dad and I got divorced almost 5 years ago.

We connected. Tonight she wants to do the same thing. I have said yes!!!

I am grateful for this insight for it has made me realize that all the money in the world, all the power, or all the worry is not what is important. What is important is that I connect with these two angels that have been put in my life and do my best to ensure that they know I love them and that they grow up with the memories of their childhood that are grand.