A dream so real

I usually don’t remember my dreams that I have at night, but when I do it is usually because there is something profound that has happened in them that make me stop and think about life. Last night I had one of those dreams. Before I can tell you about it I have to give a little background into my life….I apologize in advance if this becomes a long post.

When I was a sophomore in high school I had my first real love. He was a guy that had been dating a girl I knew and I always thought he was a real cutie. Well, after they broke up he and I started dating. We fell in love and got very serious very quickly. Needless to say, I was crazy about him and I thought that we would spend the rest of our lives together. Well, my parents thought that we were getting to involved and basically wanted us to end our relationship, which I did….but I really really really didn’t want to.

Fast forward about 2 years, he and I still talk on occasion, have some of the same friends and just in general keep tabs on each others lives. He ends up having a baby with a girl, who he doesn’t marry and I am crushed knowing that I can never again be with him. Well, about six month after his baby is born he is killed in a car accident. It hit everyone very hard, but my family loved this guy. My brother loved him, my parents loved him, and I loved him. It was a huge and tragic loss for all of us involved. Still to this day I think about him everyday and wonder what might have been if we had stayed together.

Ok, so now to my dream from last night. I was at home and I must have bee late teens or early twenties. I had just got a call that this guy was alive and doing well. He was living with his parents and they were so happy to find out that he really hadn’t died. I was crying and trying to find out how to get a hold of him because I wanted so badly to tell him I loved him. I called his parents house, called a cell phone, called his brother, called everyone I could think of to try and find him.

Finally, he answered the phone and I could see his smile, hear his voice and almost touch him. I was crying in my sleep, I could feel the tears on my cheeks and I knew that he was alive. The next several scenes in the dream I am trying desperately to get to him. I keep missing him at home, work, school or church. Finally about the time my alarm goes off I see him and get to hug him and kiss him. That’s where it ended.

The funny thing is that I woke up with such a sense of peace and longing this morning. I was peaceful because I know that he is in a better place and I feel like he is somehow watching over me. But I longed for his friendship and embrace this morning. I longed to put my head on his shoulder and cry a million tears for losing him, for hurting him for all the things we should have said/done.

I know that this dream can never be real. I attended his funeral, I saw his body in the casket, I sang the songs, and I cried and was devastated by his death. I have forever tried to find that same feeling that we had together and each and every man in my life has come up short. I long for the love and understanding and trust he and I shared, but I know that I will never again find that with him or possibly with anyone again.

One thing I do know is that for one instant in time I was able to love him and for one instant last night I was able to be with him again.