Well, I guess I have already blogged about valentines day yesterday….I guess I can blog about what my valentines day was like. First of all my kids were not with me today, which was fine because I am not big on celebrating Valentines Day with my kids. I mean I love them and they are my kids, but Valentines day is for lovers….and I don’t think that means that I have to celebrate with my kids....I mean I will buy them a gift and some candy, but they don’t necessarily have to be WITH me on this day
For those of you who read my blog on a daily or even regular basis you will be surprised to find out that I had a hard time getting into celebrating this Valentines Day with my husband. We have been having some major problems in our relationship….I mean major problems. Problems so big that I was thinking about cheating or leaving or both. We are still having problems and while we are both at fault and both working on trying to get the love back in our relationship we are both really sensitive to everything each other says. I can say something as simple as I was thinking about how things used to be when we would do things together and he would take offense at it because he felt like I was putting him down..
Anyway, I didn’t really know if things are really getting better or if we are just glossing over the real issues. I think back to 6 years ago when we met each other. I was just ending my last marriage and really shouldn’t have been dating or anything. However, I wanted someone in my life. One thing led to another and next thing I know we are living together and talking about marriage….then I am walking down the aisle. I guess looking back I should have waited and thought about it more.
Does that mean that I don’t love him….no…I believe that I do love him…I just wonder if I am still IN love with him. I mean he does things that are so annoying and I just want to smack the shit outta him and tell him to snap outta it. Things that I didn’t know or realize he did before….like tap his foot when he reads or crunches his ice….or types with two fingers or drinks with his pinkie up…
I know most of these things sound really trivial and stupid…and they probably are…and I know that it is these little things that are just the symptom of a bigger problem that is not being dealt with. I know that there is something else lying in the back of our marriage that is lurking and waiting to pounce…..and I find myself questioning if I will want to fight to save this marriage once that lurking thing does rear its ugly head.
The one thing I realized about relationships and Valentines Day is that if you are in a good one and you are in love or even lust then shopping for gifts cards etc is easy. But when your relationship has hit a low and you have to find a card/gift/etc….for someone who annoys the piss outta you….it is hard. I swear I was standing in the damn Hallmark store for an hour the other day going…Nope I don’t feel this way….OH that is too mean to get….yes I want to bang his head into a brick wall….no they don’t make cards that say that…
The other day when I was watching TV and I saw the commercial with the bunny that was singing the telegram to the girl who was being broken up with because she was not in her boyfriends cell phone network….I laughed out loud. My husband was like that is mean…it was a fucking joke…ya jerk….made to sell stupid phones. For about a ½ second I thought…what a great way to breakup with someone….maybe I can do that to end my marriage….
I still don’t honestly know what is going to happen between us. I honestly don’t know if I want to work it out…I honestly don’t know how I feel about marriage at this point….
The one thing I do know….finding a card this year was HELL.
4 comments:
I'm so sorry you are going throug all this :(
But if I may impart my infinite wisdom (HA!) I would have to say that you pretty much are already "out" of the marriage. I felt this exact way with my husband and it is so not worth it if you even have a hard time finding him a card. I know a lot of people would say - A marriage is something you have to work on, blah blah blah, but if you have to work on it that hard that you envision ending your marriage like a commercial it may be a little too late for you. I'm always here if you want to talk!
This crazy little thing call love is certainly crazy. I don't know Lisa, it takes two to tango and when you try so hard and the other party is not, it is definitely a struggle.
I think the problems must be more than over trivial matters, perhaps there is one stubborn 'root cause' that need to be addressed. Instead of drifting away from each other, since you did acknowledge that you love him....is it worth a second chance?
When I first started reading your blog I knew you had some issues with your ex and over time, I'm sadden about the relationship now...I wish you well and ya...I'll be here too if you want to talk ~ in private if you wish :D
Hugs & Kisses!
Sorry to hear you are having troubles. I don't want to admit it, but we've had our rough times too. There are times I find myself looking for a fight!
[[[Bear Hug]]]
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