That being said….enjoy!
Barbara,
I am writing regarding your phone call to last week to request money once again for your 24 year old daughter that can’t seem to get her life together. It is not that your son and I don’t want to help with this situation, but our feelings are that you and your husband are doing her no good. Enabling her to continue to live a dead-beat lifestyle while she is has four children (by two men that you loved and now hate) is not teaching her any lessons. The fact that your husband is working no less than two jobs at a time to support two households because you want it seems very unfair.
Your daughter has made bad choice after bad choice in her life and yet you continue to support her and the behavior that put her in the position she is in right now. She got pregnant at 17, and you allowed her boyfriend to move in with you. She got married shortly after, and you allowed them to live in your house not for a little while, but for 3 years. You finally build up the nerve to have them out because you have asked them to, you turn to empty nest crazy lady. Wanting them to come back and all but begging them to let you raise their child.
Then we get to the holidays about 3 years ago, when she has cheated on her husband, is pregnant by another man and you want us to be accepting of this. You want us to just allow it to happen and not have an opinion. You loved and supported her with this new guy because he did all the things her husband (and he is not even an ex YET) would not do. You basically told us to shut up or get out of your house because she was having more babies and you didn’t want to upset the chance that you might be able to see those children. Has it not occurred to you that you are basically raising those kids because she CAN’T and WON’T take responsibility for what she has done with her life?
We stayed that Christmas and held our tongues despite the fact that we had misgivings about a 40 year old man being with a 22 year old woman. We decided that if you wanted us to support it we would, but it would be from afar. We had a feeling in our guts that told us this guy was a creep. However, you told us time and time again that he was a good guy. Now what do you think of your daughter’s choice in men, drugged out, lying, into all sorts of malicious acts and you still want to be there to support your daughter in all the decisions she has made.
I understand she is your child. I understand unconditional love, as I have children of my own and I have parents that showed it to me growing up. However, there is a difference between unconditional love and enabling. You can love your daughter and all that she is without running to her rescue all the time. You can love her babies and be a part of their life without having to be their life. That is her job. It’s her job to make mistakes and learn from them….mistakes that she has not learned from because YOU have not allowed her to learn from them. Are you ever going to allow those consequences to come home? Are you ever going to cut those ties and allow her to be an adult? How will she learn to make ends meet if you are always there with a check and a handout?
Do you realize for the past 5 years my husband and I have not gotten a Christmas, Birthday or Anniversary present from you guys? Do you realize that my children have not gotten any sort of presents for their special occasions? Yet, when it comes to your daughter, you both go above and beyond. Present galore and why is that? Why do these kids get all the glory and our children get nothing, except maybe a card. We don’t want your money or your gifts, but I have to explain to my kids why their grandparents care more about one set of grandkids than the other. I don’t’ want that to change, because as far as I’m concerned I am fine with them not getting anything from you and your family.
I hate having to see the look of hurt on my husband’s face when his birthday comes and goes and there is no phone call, no card, nothing….but disappointment. Disappointment is something that your family can never give us enough of on a yearly basis. I can’t be everything to him, I can’t be a mother/father/sister/brother. I can’t make myself all those things to him….and no amount of my overcompensation will make that hurt heal. That is a hurt only you can heal, but you choose not to…ever.
So, at this time I want you to know that neither I nor my husband will be taking your phone calls any longer. There will NO MORE money. The bank of TRUST has been tapped out and I will no longer allow ourselves to be drawn into this mess. Maybe one day, when you run out of patience and time, you will see your daughter for what she really is…..then again maybe you won’t.
Go ahead and delude yourself in to thinking that she is the victim here. Go ahead and make yourself believe that the things you are doing are for the kids. Go ahead and continue to live with your head in the sand thinking you are protecting those kids…guess what your not. Your enabling their mother to continue to do what she does best fail.
We will not be a part of it any longer.
Sincerely,
Ladybug!
7 comments:
Amen Lisa!
You can bail your children out only so many times before they need to learn how to stand on their own two feet.
She can"t "baby" her all of her life!
wow; its too bad that families have to be screwed up like that. With the exception of the sister making bad decisions this is a similar relationship my hubs and I have with his mother. It's a good thing my parents are so wonderful and make up for that with the kids.
Right on!
Some of it will need to be said sometime. Maybe just not now. I agree though, no more money from you folks.
This is my first time if I remember right checking out your blog. I do not know you nor the situation except for what I read. I think that what you said makes lots alot of sense to me. I think that you stated things really clear. I hope that some day things will be resolved for you and your fmaily and them
Hi Lisa ... I was referred to your blog by Andrew over at 4th Avenue Blues ... I like you're writing and it seems you are doing a great job coming up with good topics to write about.
Keep writing!
I'm here from 4th Avenue Blue. It boils down to choices! This is an outstanding letter, too bad you don't have the courage to send it to your mother-in-law. You are very, very wise to stop the communication and the money. I've seen my brother drain my mother, financially and emtionally because of the bad choices he has and continues to make. Now she's to a point and age where she needs help with regular household tasks and she doesn't have the money to hire them done, because my brother has drained her bank account. Let me courage you, STAND FIRM!!!! Don't join the enabeling. Continue to make wise choices for you and your family. I can assure this daughter will never change, why should she? Mama and Daddy will bail her out.
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